The girl switched to you. Forms “you” or “you”: correct address to the interlocutor

Why did we switch to "you"...

That's why we got it

For a penny of love and simplicity,

But something important was missing.

In my determined and dizzy youth to me it seemed that the outdated address by name, patronymic and “You” was something as inapplicable to modern life as, for example, a gramophone: it was good, but times have changed, and just as the technology has changed, so have the rules of communication between “m” and “ and".

A little later, when I found out that in some regions such a custom was preserved, it seemed to me savagery, backwardness and a relic. Although I can’t say that I didn’t like the way it sounded, “Evgeny Vasilyevich, will you have dinner?” - still beautiful and dignified, noble, I felt it then too.

No, my dear readers, do not throw your slippers at the monitor screen, I am not going to spend the entire article talking to you about the need to return to this half-forgotten rule. Although I don’t see anything bad or out-of-date in it at the moment, and it seems to me that we shouldn’t have switched to “you”. More precisely, it was in vain that by switching to “you”, we unnoticed ourselves crossed some other boundaries that should not have been crossed.

Why did we switch to "you"
We are tempted by distance.
Dearer to the heart and mind
The old You are Pan, I am Lady.

In fact, these lines from the romance contain everything that will be discussed below. We tempt distance by switching to “you”, violate respectful distance and ultimately descend into familiarity, mixing roles, forgetting about the rules.

In fact, in this non-trivial way we are talking to you about a rather boring topic - respect for your spouse. We have already learned that we must respect him, haven’t we? Just how, it’s not very clear to us, because we don’t always have an example to follow in this topic. And then it came to my mind that “you” inside. I heard the wife address her husband by his first name and patronymic and by “you” and “me” clicked" - this is what can help us!

It seems to me that it would be useful for all wives to sometimes, at least one month a year or one day a week, address their husbands this way. This may help put everything in place. We not only tempt, we break the distance.

The distance I mean is when he is taller than her. The husband is placed above the wife, and if he is higher, it means that there is some upward gap between you and him. And this gap must be remembered and emphasized.

I have always loved the short parable that says, “A God-fearing wife has a husband who is honored before the gates of his city.”

The expression "before the gates of his city" is equivalent to "in the assembly of respectable people" or simply "has a good reputation." And this is a sign of a good wife who fulfills her duties correctly. Not the cunning one who was able to choose a promising husband. If a wife says “you” to her husband and shows him respect, then others will gradually, even if they had not previously thought about him in superlatives, will receive an incentive to reconsider this.

“Poking” is the main mistake of newlyweds

A wife is obliged to respect her husband, but when it’s some kind of school-student relationship in which you can (figuratively speaking) hit him on the head with a textbook, shout “you’re a fool” and all this seems to be a game, this is not a serious and not durable model.Familiarity lays the foundation for future problems in family life.

“We just have a good time together, we sometimes argue, fight as a joke, and he allows me to be capricious, and sometimes even cross boundaries” - this is something like what the good relationships of some young couples look like. And they are really good, she can tell him affectionately: “Fuck you,” or, pouting her lips and batting her eyelashes, answer: “I don’t want to do that.” And he forgives, because she is so sweet, he doesn’t even need to to forgive, he and to be offended is not her like that yet doesn't think.

But then one day, she says this not on purpose, by accident, out of habit, in front of his mother, sisters, and friends. He may still not see the problem, but they “catch” the situation and speak out in the spirit: “Are you a man or not a man” and advise “putting her in her place.”

Or maybe he himself one day wonders, no matter why, something prompted him: “Does she respect me?” And he begins to keep track of all these “he’s a fool” and other little things: “Here I was talking, and she interrupted me,” “And then I said, and she argued, and even in front of strangers,” “And here I haven’t finished yet.” , she had already turned her back and left, and I was talking to my back and to emptiness,” and other other little things. But It's the little things that make up life.

Having decided that his wife does not show him due respect, or having heard this statement from someone, the young husband begins to make efforts to correct his wife, who has not yet gone too far. But she’s not used to it, she no longer understands why he’s doing this to her, and, of course, “you stopped loving me,” “it’s all your mother’s fault,” “your friends don’t like me,” and so on.

And it all leads to scandals, disputes, quarrels instead of simple words: “Sorry dear, I went too far, I’ll correct myself” . It’s like riding a young horse; if you give it the reins, it will take off and it will be very difficult to stop it. Amove on the “female rein”, that is, under the control of the ridershe is not used to it and begins to try to scare the rider with her reaction to control or to get rid of him. So is the young wife,which has crossed the border beyond which the territory of disrespectful attitude toward one’s sweetheart begins. EIf you don’t pull her back, he loses respect. And if you stop him, he tries to rebel.

In fact, if you ask, she will confidently report that without a doubt she both loves and respects her husband. But if you look at the manifestations, you can notice love, but respect cannot. Dear girls, be on good terms with your husbands, even if they, due to their fascination with you, allow you to break all boundaries.

“Poking” leads from small mistakes to big ones

Why am I so serious if we are talking about seemingly trifles, because the main thing is what is inside, in the heart, you say. Yes, the main thing is what’s in the heart, but there are no little things that don’t have consequences.

It is not for nothing that respect for our spouse is our duty, because it is the basis of obedience. And obedience is also our responsibility. But a woman who does not have a distance with her husband that emphasizes his supremacy will not obey unquestioningly. In one form or another, she will allow herself to make reservations, first express her opinion, try to defend it, and then submit.

Yes, it’s still difficult to call her disobedient, because in the end she obeys. True, it is not so easy for a spouse to manage it. The worst thing is that at the decisive moment, when there is a truly serious situation, and it is necessary for her to quickly and clearly follow her husband’s orders, she will not do this as needed, and this will lead to serious consequences.

Constantly proving to your wife that you are right is tiring, and the fact that “she’s so cute” does not cover up the unpleasantness of this difficulty for very long. As a result, both fatigue and discontent grow, leading to conflicts. Many times, when women who are having difficult times in their marriages turn to me for help, we begin to unravel the ball and at its core is a broken respectful distance with the spouse. And she was disturbed during that period when everything was forgiven to her “after all, she is so cute.” You just need to go to a respectful distance and everything will get better. Usually at the end my interlocutors exclaimed: “Is it really that simple?” Yes, my dears, everything is very simple, any huge snowball begins with a small and cute ball - a “snowball”. But then on your own it can be almost impossible to understand how it all started, because when it started, you thought that everything was fine with you.

Very often, husbands are rude, despotic, and scandalous precisely because they do not feel our respect for them, and because we obey them with difficulty and displeasure. Do you want to make your spouse happy not for a year or two, but forever? Be on friendly terms with him!

In our country, it is customary to address any stranger or unfamiliar person with “You,” regardless of his age and social status. The exception, perhaps, is children. Here opinions differ. Some believe that only an adult citizen is “worthy” of the address “You”, while others argue that children after 9 years of age, especially in an official setting (in a classroom, for example), should be addressed exclusively as “You” - this helps to form a a young person's sense of self-esteem.

In an official setting, addressing “You” is also common among people who know each other well. This allows you to emphasize the business nature of communication and create a more serious and strict atmosphere. So, for schoolchildren, for example, it is strange to hear when teachers within the walls of an educational institution address each other as “you” in their presence.

Addressing older people with “you” is also accepted, regardless of the circumstances. The exception, perhaps, is for members of the same family and cases where people with a large age difference are very close friends. Although for many such exceptions are unacceptable: there are families in which even mother and father are respectfully addressed as “you”.

In other cases, the choice of form of address remains quite free, but for some there is still a certain barrier in the transition from “You” to “you”. Some may perceive too quick a change from an official address to an unofficial one as disrespect for themselves, while for others the address to “You” seems too cumbersome, and they are unpleasant to hear it addressed to them.

When to switch to “you”

If you feel that your relationship with a person from the “official” area is moving into a less formal one, if it is easy and pleasant for you to communicate with him, and you feel that the interlocutor has similar feelings for you, you can directly invite him to switch to “you”, especially if he is the same age and gender as you. As a rule, such an offer is not refused.

When communicating between a man and a woman, the transition from “you” to “you” should occur only on the woman’s initiative, especially if the relationship is not business, but friendly or even more than just friendly. The fact is that women feel the degree of intimacy with a man more acutely, and a sensitive and polite gentleman will allow his lady to switch to a more confidential address “you” when she herself is ready for this. True, many believe that such conventions are inappropriate in a business setting, and the initiator of the transition to “you” between colleagues can be either a woman or a man.

Addressing “you” in relation to subordinates or people of lower social status, and even in some way dependent on you, can be perceived by the latter as a manifestation of “lordship”, disrespect for their personality, and a very painful blow to their pride. On the other hand, a person in a subordinate position is unlikely to offer to switch to “you”, for fear of showing disrespect or being branded ignorant. In such cases, the transition from “You” to “you” is hardly justified. An exception may be situations when confidential and informal relationships develop between these people due to various circumstances.

Addressing “you” provides for a free and familiar nature of communication with a person. However, such a transition is not always appropriate. In addition, communication in personal tones should be comfortable for both interlocutors.

Switching to “you” according to the rules of etiquette

Older people should be addressed as “you” because they have more life experience, and such treatment serves as a sign of respect for them. Also, “you” is used to address those who are higher in position or rank, which allows you to create strong business relationships. There are other cases of similar treatment, which will be discussed below.

It is customary in society to communicate on a first-name basis between people of the same age, social and business status. In this case, the important point is that the interlocutors should know each other well, that is, be on friendly terms. You should correctly determine the moment at which you can switch to “you” in communication with a person. Usually it occurs when you feel that it is easy for you to communicate with your interlocutor, you always find a common language, and do not feel embarrassed. Please note that in accordance with the rules of etiquette, during communication between a man and a woman, it is the latter who should initiate the transition to “you”. Thus, she shows her trust in the man and the desire to make communication more intimate.

Ways to switch to “you”

Before switching to personal communication, ask the person’s permission to do so, for example, “May I switch to “you”?” If the formal phase has dragged on for a long time, and you feel a kindred spirit in this person, you can say more simply, for example, “let’s talk on a first-name basis?” At the same time, first think carefully about whether your interlocutor will be against this. Even if you feel comfortable in the conversation, he may feel some awkwardness. Try to recognize his emotions and understand their attitude towards you.

There is no exact opinion as to what time it is best to switch to “you”. In some cases, this requires communicating with a person for days or even months in a formal tone, and in others, the transition is carried out already in the first minutes of the conversation. Most likely, you yourself will feel this moment intuitively.

If you doubt that you should switch to “you”, do not rush to do it. In Russia, it is common practice to address all strangers as “you”. If you make a mistake and switch too abruptly to a familiar tone of communication, you risk thereby being rude to your interlocutor. It may seem to him that by doing this you want to demonstrate your superiority over him or show disdain. Therefore, further communication may no longer work out as expected.

It is not always clear at what point in communication it is possible to switch to “you”. Is it possible to address a peer you don’t know this way? What about the boss? And how to react when a person you know unexpectedly begins to communicate with you in a familiar manner? The Village asked experts to answer these questions.

Elena Zaretskaya

Head of the Department of Social and Humanitarian Disciplines at RANEPA, expert in the field of business communications

In decent society, it is customary to address even schoolchildren over the fifth grade with “you,” not to mention students. At the same time, students can naturally communicate with each other on a first-name basis. After 28–30 years, addressing “you” in the business sphere should be completely forgotten. It is impolite if a boss addresses his subordinates on a first-name basis.

According to strict classical etiquette, it is correct to go on first-name terms with a man after bed. Although, if you and a young man went through some difficult situation together, you can switch to “you” quite quickly.

In Russia, in this regard, the society is poorly educated, since people are not taught etiquette either at school or at home. Therefore, at some point, a familiar style of communication spread to all segments of the population. And during the USSR, people were much more polite.

If a stranger or unfamiliar person says to you, for example: “Listen, Valya,” you need to look at him in amazement and correct: “Listen, Valentina.” Moreover, the voice should not contain resentment, but rather amazement, then you can put the person in his place. You shouldn’t ask a person why he addresses you like that, you need to correct him, like correcting a first grader. If you are not ready to get on a first-name basis with someone who is offering it, simply answer that you would not like this for now, but make a reservation that this is possible in the future. You can add that your relationship at the moment is not so trusting that this is possible. Any person deserves respect, and calling “you” is one of the manifestations of such respect.

Sergei Klyuchnikov

psychologist, director of the Sergei Klyuchnikov Center for Practical Psychology

Issues of transition from “you” to “you” are a matter of reducing the boundaries between people. “You” is an official address, emphasizing respect, indicating that there is some distance between people, for example, age, human, or due to the fact that people do not know each other. The transition to “you” means that this distance has decreased or disappeared. It happens that people say “you” to each other almost immediately, but more often this is characteristic of the youth environment in informal situations. When people communicate at work, they are expected to address themselves as “you.” If a person approaches you about a business matter and starts with “you”, this is a serious manifestation of impoliteness, which makes it difficult to resolve issues. The transition to “you” marks the establishment of informal relationships, and in a business environment it is acceptable for very young people or for lower-level employees.

If we are talking on the phone or there is a stranger in front of us, it is customary to emphasize respectful attitude through “you”. People cross this line by testing whether trust has been established. At some point the person says: “Let’s talk on a first-name basis.” Will be simpler". This can happen at the most official level. We know that presidents of different countries communicate with each other on a first-name basis after some time of communication. There are cases when the transition happens spontaneously: for example, when sympathy arises between a man and a woman.

Sometimes people switch to “you” in violation of ethics. This can happen if they are not very well brought up or they have the illusion that the other person is ready, although in reality this is not the case. A person may be overcome by emotions, he may believe that such a transition will make it easier to resolve complex business issues.

Sometimes the interlocutor may support this transition, but internally he will be uncomfortable. There are times when a person begins to say “you,” and another reminds him: “You and I haven’t had a drink yet.” In this case, the one who violated the boundary will have to take a step back in communication and start from scratch. But the ball will no longer be in his court: the advantage will be with the one who refused him.

If you are not sure that switching to “you” is one hundred percent correct, it is better to ask a question, hint, make an offer: “Let’s address each other as “you,” do you mind?” If the other person doesn't mind, everything will happen naturally. If the interlocutor continues to address you as “you,” you should not be offended: everyone has the right to a communicative distance.

Illustration: Dasha Chertanova

Just because you've chosen a stunning outfit for your first date and booked a table at the best restaurant in town doesn't guarantee that everything will go smoothly. In order not to lose face, remember the basic rules of behavior. Which ones exactly, he says teacher-consultant on etiquette and business protocol Tatyana Nikolaeva.

1. When it comes to a date, the proposal to switch to “you” should come from the man, although in ordinary life only the elder according to etiquette has the right to initiate it. And the eldest is always a woman. How this rule works in everyday life: if we are talking about a girl and an elderly lady, then it is the latter who has the right to suggest switching to “you”. If we are talking about a man and a woman (let’s say they are neighbors), then only the woman suggests changing to “you.” But, as I said, this rule works differently in romantic situations.

2. A man should never be late for a meeting. A woman can take some liberties in this matter and come a little later than the appointed time, but no more than 15 minutes.

3. An invitation to a date should only come from a man. The only thing a lady can afford is to slightly push a potential gentleman towards a date. But at the same time, she must organize everything so that he does not even suspect her of it.

4. There is no need to invite a woman on a first date to a restaurant, especially an expensive and pretentious one. You may confuse her with such a gesture. The best option is a walk, visiting an exhibition together. You should have time to chat and get to know each other better. Food distracts from such things.

5. It is indecent to offer a lady to split the bill. But, alas, no one is immune from such things, so a woman’s purse should always have funds so that, if necessary, you can pay your part of the check yourself.

6. If a man still has an appointment at a restaurant, there is no need to show off and order the most expensive dishes; stick to the golden mean in this matter.

7. The gentleman, of course, can give the lady flowers. But you need to consider where the first date will take place. If you are going to sit in a restaurant, the bouquet will not cause your companion any trouble. When it comes to going for a walk or visiting an exhibition together, it is better to abandon this idea. Especially if you initially planned to capture a woman’s imagination and give her a hundred roses. In such situations, it is most appropriate to present a bouquet at the end of the date or at the beginning, provided that you have picked up the girl, because she will have the opportunity to leave your gift at home. I also want to tell the ladies that there is nothing wrong with the fact that your gentleman came without flowers.

8. A man is not required to pick up a woman before a date. After all, this is not the 19th century, when a lady could not appear alone in a public place.

9. If you answer calls and SMS during a date, keep it short and to the point. If the question is not particularly urgent, then wait a while to answer or give it when the lady comes out to powder her nose. The same rule applies to women.

10. There are a number of so-called “explosive” topics that are best avoided on a first date: politics, religion, sports (if you support different teams), bad news (such as terrorist attacks), past relationships, questions about marriage, etc. d. On the other hand, questions about marital status are quite appropriate. Organize the conversation as if you were walking on thin ice: first we probe with our foot and only then step on it.

11. When saying goodbye, a well-mannered man should say when he will call next time. But don’t just “let’s call you,” but be more specific, for example, “I’ll call you tomorrow evening.” Let me note that, according to etiquette, a woman should not call her gentleman herself, no matter how much she might want to.

12. After the date, the man must either personally escort the lady to the door of her house or call a taxi. At the same time, ask her to call you when she gets there, or call yourself to make sure everything is in order. A taxi, like all other expenses (according to the rules of etiquette), must be paid by a man. No one has canceled this, despite any feminism.

13. If during the dating process you realized that you are not suitable for each other, you need to bring the evening to its logical conclusion. And the next day call or, if you don’t have the courage, write an SMS. At the same time, use phrases that will not offend the person. “You’re not right for me” is not a good option. It’s better “thanks, but I realized that you deserve a better man” or “we are different people, I don’t think anything will work out between us.”

Ways to switch to “you”