The husband's friend insulted him, the husband did not stand up for him. My ex-wife doesn't communicate with me. I don’t want to communicate with my husband, period. What to do I like my husband's best friend, I want him

A family therapy conference recently addressed the issue of paradoxical family communication. The idea is that situations often arise in a family when the husband or wife does not see the opportunity or need to say something directly, and this gives rise to a whole bunch of misunderstandings, unjustified expectations and further resentment. A typical example is, I think, familiar to many - A husband (boyfriend, child) does something that his wife is offended by. Perhaps he said something wrong, perhaps he forgot about his mother-in-law’s birthday, perhaps he did not pay attention to the cleaning or hairstyle that was done just for him. There are many options, but the result is the same - the wife (beloved, girlfriend, etc.) is offended. And very often in case of offense, to resolve this situation, women choose the option of detachment - they do not express their accusations and dissatisfaction, they harbor resentment inside and emotionally distance themselves from their men (they don’t talk, they answer in monosyllables and are dissatisfied, they can go to another room, and in the worst case, they go to sleep on another sofa). At the same time, all these actions of a woman have only one goal - for a man to come up to her, talk, ask her everything and listen, and MAINLY, calm her down. That is, the wife is offended, she begins to worry about the future of the relationship with her husband, and needs that If he could relieve this anxiety, he would explain that she misunderstood everything, or that this would not happen again, or that there were objective reasons for his action. But usually, the man does not understand what happened, what is actually his fault. Moreover, a man usually doesn’t even realize that he is to blame, and not the weather, work or women’s days. Moreover, to the questions “What happened?”, he receives the answer “Nothing.”. "Everything is fine? - Fine." (This is where paradoxical family communication lies - family members insist that they feel good when they feel bad and they want everyone to understand HOW bad they feel and to calm them down). The entire outbreak of conflict usually unfolds in bed before going to bed. The woman was tormented all evening, her resentment grew and her doubts about the correctness of the man’s choice also grew. Since he turns out to be not only offensive, he is also callous and cold. It is these characteristics that a woman explains why a man does not reconcile with her. “He’s harassing me on purpose! He doesn’t care about my feelings!” The woman expects that finally, before going to bed, they will talk to her and calm her down. She waits. The man senses his wife's tension, and usually before going to bed he makes another attempt to find out what's wrong. However, the wife’s resentment has already grown so much that it does not allow her to “give up” so quickly; she believes that “if she loves, she will make an effort to make peace.” And if he tries only once, then he is doing it for appearances, but in reality he did not understand anything, and does not love her. Therefore, to the man’s first attempt to make peace, the wife replies, “Leave me alone!” Everything is fine! or - you tell me what happened. “Nothing happened,” Then, the man believes that since nothing happened, but there is tension, he suggests using a very effective method of relieving tension in his opinion - making love. Rarely does a man voice this; he begins to pester a woman in order to help her, to calm her down with the means available to him, to show that he loves her. A woman lies offended by her husband, and then, after timid attempts to make peace, they begin to pester her. And she draws her conclusion from this male behavior - he only needs her for bed. And he wanted to make peace only in order to drag her into bed. And not her feelings, he doesn’t care about her offense. And she angrily rejects the man’s proposals, turns away irritably, wrapping herself in a blanket. And he waits, waits, waits for the man to realize his guilt and begin to gently but persistently find out what’s wrong, or to blame himself for what he’s done. After all, the wife loves her husband and believes in him. But the husband becomes even more confused, since all his proposals are rejected. And men find it difficult to withstand strong and prolonged tension. Therefore, contrary to the wife’s expectations, they save their psyche by falling asleep. Because of such indifference, the wife either falls into silent tears with her face to the wall, or goes to sleep on another sofa, and remembers all the grievances of your relationship. The husband falls asleep, confident that the wife will also sleep, rest, and everything will be fine. But the wife does not sleep, she is upset, she blames both you and herself, she cries or is worried. She feels bad. And tomorrow she, and therefore you, will feel even worse. Usually, everything happens exactly like this. I hope this article will help you understand why your wife suddenly stopped talking to you, and why your husband does not put up with you, but brazenly falls asleep. Of course, all situations are individual, but here are some tips on behavior in them - For men - the best - The sooner you notice that your wife or girlfriend (or maybe daughter) is avoiding you, speaks in monosyllables and is clearly tense, then the most effective thing will be to go to her to figure out what happened. Gently, caringly, without giving up at the first “everything is fine.” The more hurt she is, the more she will resist your help, and the more she will need and rely on it. And for women, the best thing is to tell men directly about what in their behavior offended or hurt you. It is difficult for them to guess, and they are also bad at hints. Tell him what he did wrong, why you expected something different, and how it makes you feel. This will much more reduce the likelihood of a man repeating his “mistake” than your silence and distance from him.

Women, unfortunately, are not taught to communicate with men. It seems like there's no point. But it is misunderstanding in communication that can destroy a family.

Let's try to learn to live like this together.
The most important rules for communicating with your husband
1. When things are bad, don't scream. Better cry.
Screaming is a manifestation of aggression. This is masculine energy, a masculine way of reacting. Whereas tears are a feminine way of reacting. When a woman screams, she is unlikely to be heard. Most likely, she will only awaken reciprocal aggression in a man. And then the squabble will continue, turning personal.

There is absolutely nothing constructive in this. Whereas tears are a woman’s ability to express her feelings. This is a way to make a man feel and show masculine strength.

Nowadays – what’s surprising – there are so many women who don’t know how to cry at all. The feminine principle is so suppressed in them that under no circumstances can they squeeze out a single tear.

Learn to cry. Very often, at the moment when tears are ready to flow, we block them. And instead of tears we release anger. After all, we want to appear strong and self-sufficient. We are afraid to show our vulnerability and sensitivity, our weakness and softness. We are afraid that later they will take advantage of this and make it even more painful.

But this is the only way we can really convey to a man that we are in pain and hard. This is the only way we can stop this unnecessary quarrel. Tears are a signal to a man that he has come far. And this is the stop valve for the quarrel that is rushing at full speed.

In addition, women's tears burn family karma. Therefore, it is even useful to cry when it is difficult.

2. When you cry, scold yourself.

Tears have a very powerful effect on men. I would even say too strong to abuse it. Abuse is when we cry and blame.

There is nothing heavier for a man’s heart than the tears of a beloved woman with accusations. He immediately begins to feel enormous guilt - even if he doesn’t show it outwardly.

And then - in order not to feel guilty - he can begin to make excuses, or scream, or simply leave.

But if a woman cries and blames herself for everything, then the most natural impulse of any knight is to save her. Take the blame. So you give him the opportunity to become a knight.

“I’m such a fool, you’re trying so hard, but it’s not enough for me,” you cry

“What are you talking about, I’ll buy you a dress!” - he reassures

Whereas if you cry like this: “You can’t even buy me a dress!”

Most likely he will answer you:

“It’s never enough for you! I don’t have to fulfill your whims!”

You should not manipulate this, you should not abuse this tool. Nobody likes to be used or manipulated. Let's take care of each other.

3. Daily foot massage

It is believed that such a ritual is the shortest way to a man’s heart. A woman who stretches her lover’s feet for at least five minutes every day after work can expect all her desires to be fulfilled.

Moreover, it is believed that in this case all the man’s energy is focused only on her. And this is the best prevention of betrayal.

Foot massage also helps to level out the hierarchy in the family - a man feels like a captain, and a woman feels like his assistant.

In addition, almost every man loves a massage. This way he can feel that he is loved. And when he is loved and needed, he immediately wants to do something for the one who loves.

Such a small ritual - and so much hidden in it!

4. Agree with his opinion.

One of the most miraculous phrases: “Yes, dear.” And the second is “As you say, my love.”

A man is an opinion. He always has his own position, his own opinion on every issue. It is very important for him to see a woman agree with him. When you accept his opinion, for him it means that you accept him.

It’s not so difficult to listen to his idea and express admiration. It’s not so difficult to ask his advice in a difficult situation. Even if you end up doing differently. Ask him for advice and thank him for his wisdom.

In the most important areas, it is also worth doing as he says. If he considers it important to go to his mother for New Year, he should agree.

Let him make decisions, and then responsibility will begin to germinate in him. Otherwise, how will it grow if his decisions are not taken into account, and he does not see the fruits of these decisions?

He wants to buy a new TV - agree. If this decision was strategically wrong, he himself will understand it. And he will wrap it around his mustache. This is called a natural consequence. The main thing here is not to draw the line: “Well, you see, I told you so!”

In addition, this will strengthen the man’s role as head of the family. He will feel that you trust him. And he will be grateful that you respect his opinion. If you respect his opinion, it means you respect him.

5. Convert from male to female

You can force him to apologize. According to all the rules. How women do it:

"Please forgive me. I did not mean to offend you. I'm really sorry."

And you can understand that his “Well, why are you sulking?” - it is the same. Just said in other words.

So, for example, “I love you” from his lips may sound like “Well, this... you understand”

And admiration for your new image may turn out to be silent at all - it just needs to be seen in the eyes.

Not every man is capable of long and deep compliments. Unfortunately, they are not taught this or explained how important this is for a woman. Over time, you can gently teach him this. But first, learn to translate from male to female.

So as not to feel unloved and unwanted. So as not to nag him on every occasion. So as not to demand from him what he cannot yet do.

6. Ask him directly

Men are not telepaths. And they don’t realize that our: “Would you like to eat?” actually means that we ourselves are hungry. After all, when a man is hungry, he will speak directly.

We women love ornate forms of expressing thoughts. For example:

“Oh, what spring it is outside. And the snow melted, and the grass already appeared. Even the kidneys are already swollen. The tulips are probably already in full bloom..."

For a man it's just a description weather phenomena. Whereas the woman wanted to hint that she wanted a bouquet of tulips.

You can say directly: “I would really like tulips...”

But for some reason it seems that he must figure it out himself. If he loves. And if you haven’t guessed, it means he doesn’t love you.

Maybe we should just accept that he is wired differently? And he has no time and no need to guess. But he will happily respond to direct requests.

Instead of saying: “There’s a mountain of dishes, and I’m tired...”

You can simply ask: “Please wash the dishes.”

The result will be different. After all, the man is ready to help us. If we ask him to.

7. Open your heart

Intimacy is incredibly important for a woman. And most often we feel this closeness during intimate conversations. With friends weaving mandalas. Or with mom while making dumplings. Or with your loved one while walking through the garden.

It is important to learn to be open and sincere with your man. In this way we can free ourselves from all our worries, feel closeness and security. And besides this, to give him a feeling of his need and importance.

It is difficult for a man to understand a woman. He can't guess puzzles and charades for long. And in a long-term relationship, he wants sincerity. Truthfulness. Sometimes we cheat in small things. Sometimes we hide something and think that it is not a lie.

I remember one woman whose husband was stingy. Moreover, this stinginess appeared out of nowhere and grew every day. It was strange for me until I found out that she was hiding the cost of things from her husband.

When buying good jeans for her son, she told her husband that they were from a second-hand store. When buying shoes for his daughter, they deceived him, lowering the price three times. Children also took part in this deception.

So he became more and more stingy. And then he completely took away the family budget from her and gave very little money to the children. And at the same time he wondered why now again it was impossible to buy jeans for a child for two hundred rubles, like last time.

Any deception - no matter how minor - erases trust. Even if a person does not know that this is a deception, his soul feels it.

According to Vedic sources, it is one of the duties of a wife to open her heart to her husband. And only the man to whom a woman opens her heart is considered a husband. Who do you open your heart to?

8. About problems - without emotions, about emotions - without problems

Men often scold their wives for “exploding their minds.” In fact, this is practically true. It is difficult for a man to perceive both thoughts and feelings at the same time. He hears one or the other.

“Our son got a bad grade,” says the wife

“I’ll go figure it out,” the husband answers.

“You don’t understand! I'm worried about how he'll finish school."

“Now I’ll figure it out, and he’ll finish it.”

“Well, can’t you hear that this makes me feel bad!”

But he doesn’t even hear. He hears the problem. And he goes to solve it. And then it turns out that you also need to sympathize.

To be heard and solve the problem, separate. Or better yet, declare:

“Now I want your sympathy” - and talk about your experiences. No description of problems.

“Now I need your help in solving the problem” - and then without emotions, only facts.

It’s difficult to learn to separate – we have it all so mixed up! But the result will please you. And the problem will be solved, and sympathy will be received.

9. Reward immediately what you like.

I have seen situations many times that help to understand why men do not give women flowers.

So one day I saw a couple passing by a flower shop. He wanted to go there and buy his dear flowers - to which the “darling” said in a deep voice: “What, haven’t I seen these flowers?”

Or, for example, my friends. Her husband brought her an armful of red roses on March 8th. And she greeted him with the phrase: “Do you have nowhere to put your money? We could have bought something useful!”

Everything would be fine, but then women complain that in ten years of marriage, not a single bouquet. Of course, what are bouquets if no one needs them?

When a man gives flowers, he wants to see how happy you are. You rejoice, look for a vase, carefully trim the ends and proudly place them in the center of the house. He wants to see you show them off to your friends. He wants you to tell him every time you look at them: “They’ve been standing for so long. You must have chosen them with great love.”

It's the same with gifts. A man does not always give exactly what we would like. But he always puts his whole soul into it. May you not wear such colors. May you prefer white gold rather than yellow. May you like white roses, not red carnations. It doesn't matter. What matters is his action, the fact itself. He did this for you. Be grateful!

He wants to see joy, gratitude and delight. So that next time I can bring you a bouquet or a gift - and see that sparkle in your eyes again.

This way you will allow him to remain a romantic prince and extend the sweet-bouquet period of your relationship.

« Why" and "Why"- quarrels begin with these phrases. Do you really care why he washed your white shirt with his black socks? Is it really necessary to understand why he never cleans up after himself? These two words immediately put both of them in a warlike mood.

• "Could you…."- when we say this, we think that we are asking. A man hears everything directly. “Could you take the dog for a walk?” There are two options - I can or I can’t. And why was there a question? Does my wife doubt my capabilities? Of course I can. But that doesn’t mean I will do it.

"I told you!" - a phrase that completely kills masculinity and responsibility. There's nothing to even comment on.

« I don't need you! or “I’ll find myself a normal husband” - like any other insults, these phrases sink deep into a man’s heart. And they kill love.

In theory, everything turns out simple. All that remains is to start applying it. First you will see what you did wrong. Then you will notice that you are doing something wrong, you will not be able to stop. The next step will be to change behavior within the situation. And only then can you prevent it.

The path is long and difficult, but it definitely leads to happiness.

I wish every woman to learn to understand men. And learn to behave in such a way that relationships develop, strengthen and make you happy.

Women are known to be much hotter than men. They quickly go into conflict, but just as quickly retreat. On the other hand, anyone who has offended a representative of the fair sex at least once is forever blacklisted. If her husband did this, then he, albeit not for long, will still become her enemy. It is difficult to forget about grievances. For some reason, we most often offend our loved ones; we know all their pros and cons, as well as their sore spots. I don't want to talk to my husband- This is the result of nervous tension and resentment. In order to become closer to each other again, it is worth stepping over pride and making reconciliation.

Lyudmila, 43 years old: “I don’t want to communicate with my husband - somehow there is no trust and tenderness for him. We've been quarreling a little lately, and sometimes it even gets to the point of scandals. Probably the reason for this is his relationship with his friends. I think he puts them first."

When problems make adjustments to plans, it is worth thinking about what these relationships mean and whether they are worth saving. Many people simply write down everything positive and everything negative in two columns and count the positions. If there are more advantages, then the relationship is worth saving. If the column with minuses is more impressive, then most likely the marriage will break up sooner or later. The thought “I don’t want to communicate with my husband” arises simply under the influence of emotions or after thoughtfully weighing all the details life together. A woman can be offended by many things. The main thing is to correctly determine priorities and understand that for the sake of a loved one it is worth doing serious things. If a woman is wrong, sometimes you have to admit your guilt. A loving husband will understand everything and after the conversation everything will be the same as before. If the problem is the systematic incorrect behavior of the other half, this advice will not work. A husband must, first of all, love and respect his wife; if he even once allows himself to humiliate or offend her, then such a relationship has no future.

My ex-husband doesn’t want to communicate – how to survive this?

It's a completely different matter if a woman does not want to communicate with her ex-husband. There are many reasons for divorce. However, only a few percent of couples divorce amicably and without any complaints. The rest remain enemies forever. In this case, there is no point in communicating. The only reason for meeting is children. Any other communication between two once so close people will not bring any pleasure. If a woman does not want to communicate with her ex-husband, this is very good. You shouldn’t dredge up the past and torment yourself with memories. It is much better to start your life right away and pay attention to yourself, your development, children, travel, everything that will help you forget about the unhappy ending of your marriage.

Elmara, 28 years old: “My husband and I just got divorced, but he no longer wants to communicate. It’s hard for me to get over this because I can’t get him out of my head so quickly. And it’s a shame that he stopped everything so suddenly and easily.”

The second option is if the ex-husband does not want to communicate. In this case, everything is much more complicated. It is difficult for a woman to part with the past. If a husband loses interest in his ex-family after a divorce, it is best to do this:

• calm down and finally convince yourself that everything is being done for the better;
• do not throw hysterics, do not call or come to your ex-husband, demanding attention;
• take care of yourself and your appearance;
• find a new hobby or activity to your liking;
• pay maximum attention to your children;
• reduce communication with your ex to zero and find new friends with similar interests.

If ex-husband does not want to communicate - there is actually no problem, you need to follow his example and not impose your communication. There are many other things in the world that are more interesting and useful than empty suffering for someone who is already in the past.

I love, I want, I like my husband's friend . He wants me. What to do?

I've been married for about five years. We lived simply wonderfully, we had no troubles. Pavel is a wonderful husband. And our children are very kind. We have two boys and two girls. Pavel has one friend, his name is also Pasha. I had heard about him for a long time, but somehow I never got to see him. And then, one wonderful day, my husband tells me that the same namesake about whom he talked so much will come to us for a few days. I was all impatient, I wanted to quickly look at that very elusive friend of my Pavel. My husband always praised him very much. To such an extent that I did not believe that such men existed. Friend Pasha arrived early in the morning by train. He took a ticket in a compartment, since he really does not like reserved seats. He simply loves comfort in everything. Of course, we provided all the conditions for our dear guest in our apartment. He didn't seem to be complaining. And so I, like a little girl, fell in love with my husband’s friend!

What a man he was! I almost went crazy when I saw him. And I really regretted that my husband was completely different. It is, of course, a sin to say so, but at least honestly. My husband's friend is much prettier and more confident than my Pasha. At that moment I was so sorry that they couldn’t be exchanged for each other. And I, due to my weakness, slept with Pasha, my husband’s friend. Yes, I did it. And... she became pregnant from him. But I won't tell him about the pregnancy. I want my husband to think that this is his child. He dreamed so much about his son. Yes, and I really wanted a child. I love my baby very much, you can’t even imagine how! My son was born, thank God, a healthy and cute baby. I know that I have sinned, so I often ask God for help. I hope he will forgive me.

The husband doesn’t know about anything, and doesn’t even guess. I don’t think he’ll figure it out, and it would be completely inappropriate. He loves his little son Styopka very much, so I won’t upset him. I'm a big liar. But I'm lying for the good. Pasha is a wonderful dad. With him, my son feels like a man, strong and smart. My friend Pasha, who became the father of my child, went somewhere far away on a very long business trip. I have feelings for him that cannot be compared with anything, I’m like a girl adolescence, I'm crazy about him. I am very glad that the child is his. These thoughts warm me in those moments when it’s hard for me. When Stepan grows up, I will definitely tell him who his real dad. And now it’s too early, he still won’t understand. He is just a baby, he has no time for adult problems now, he is only interested in toys for now. And sometimes, when my husband is not at home, I talk to my son, explain how and what is happening in the lives of adults. And in response to my words, he just hums something in his own language, and maybe smiles. How good it is to be a little child! They don't have any problems.

I often think about Pasha, sometimes I worry more about him than about my husband. I'm doing the wrong thing, of course, but I won't hide it from him for the rest of my life. I won’t leave Pavel, but in my heart I dream of living with his namesake friend. More precisely, I already live, but only in dreams. Sometimes these dreams take me very far. And it's so hard to come back to reality.

It is very difficult to love and remain silent. I want to scream about my love. I would like to tell Pasha that this child is his. Sometimes I even dream that he would steal my son and me, secretly take him away. I want a lot, but I don’t get anything, I live like this with hopes and dreams and see no way out. I should at least find out what’s wrong with him, how he’s doing, and whether he’ll suddenly come to our city someday. I want to look at him at least with one eye. To see and understand why I fell in love with this person so much, why I can’t live a day without thinking about him.

But he doesn't show up. And I'm afraid to ask my husband. Maybe he'll figure it out. My husband and I practically don’t talk about Pasha. I don’t even want to think what he might do if he finds out. It’s important to me now that he doesn’t suspect me, and we don’t argue about it. I think my son shouldn't hear us arguing. It’s even very good that my husband is called by the same name as the man he loves. And then suddenly the “wrong” name suddenly pops up. And it’s scary to even think about how it could all end in the end. My husband is very jealous. He already bothers me so much with his jealousy. I want to run away from his annoying jealousy. But there is nowhere to run, I sit and remain silent.

I think he will kill his friend if he finds out that he is the father of the child. I don't want this to happen. And I delay the moment of truth as long as possible. So far it's working. I’m sitting at home, but my husband is still jealous. I don't go anywhere at all! Why is he jealous?! More precisely, to whom? To passers-by on the street? Most funny. But sometimes, when it gets to the point of absurdity, it becomes no longer funny.

When I got married, I knew that Pasha was so jealous. But until I met his friend, he seemed like the dream of my whole life. Even my father says that everything in life is learned by comparison. And now I completely agree with him! I compared and realized that I don’t love my husband at all, but I love his friend.

Life! What is life? Just a word, but it contains so much meaning. But how little we can change something about it. And now is not the time to philosophize. And I really want to give out something so unusual and smart. Studying to go to graduate school or something... For now I’m just dreaming. Maybe, probably... There is only skepticism all around. But now I have completely different concerns. And these worries take everything from me free time. I don't even sleep much anymore. I didn’t get enough sleep at all, even those around me noticed the circles under my eyes that appeared from lack of sleep. The question arises again: where will I get the money for plastic surgery to become a beauty again? I need to ask Pasha if he can give me his savings.

I often surf the Internet, always looking for my son’s dad, I think maybe I’ll find him there. But I can't find it. He probably doesn't want to be found. But I still don’t give up trying. For what? Yes, for Styopka’s sake at least. Okay, I won’t lie, of course, more for myself. I miss him so much. Only he occupies all my thoughts.

How tired everything is! I didn't take care of myself at all. The gray mouse became completely different from the woman. You need to start looking after yourself! Why have I completely given up? I already hate myself. How can my husband still stand me? And I’ve never heard a bad word from him in my direction. I'm surprised at him. Okay, now I’ll take my makeup bag and open it. Damn, I can’t find anything suitable in it, I close it, then open it again, and so on in a circle. I'm starting to get nervous. I want to find my image, but I can’t. He got lost somewhere. And the mirror doesn't help me at all. Oh, how neglected everything is. I had to take care of myself all the time, and not just when I was dressing up somewhere. It's strange that I didn't think about this before.

My husband recently bought me a whole mountain of all kinds of cosmetics. I was so happy about her that I decided to make Pasha happy too. My eyes ran wide from the variety of shadows and lipsticks. But I pulled myself together, and then my eyes got used to this ugliness. And I began to make a “maraffe” on my face. When Pasha returned from work, he did not recognize me and was pleasantly shocked. He said that he was very proud that such a beauty lived with him. But you know, I myself understood and believed it! If you believe, then everything will be so! I already knew that I was quite attractive. The figure is only a little let down, I gained weight after giving birth. But this can also be fixed. Soon I’ll be a doll, you won’t know.

I love one, but live with another. I don't want to live in reality. I want to be in the clouds all the time. I have no choice but to come to terms with my present. And my son helps me unwind. It is a great joy for me that I have my beloved son. And he is glad that he has such a mother who loves him more than anything in the world. He still doesn’t understand a lot, but the time will come when he will find out the whole truth about mom and dad.

Question for a psychologist:

A couple of days ago it was my husband's birthday. He has a small company, and we celebrated as a team. I don’t really understand all these alcoholic libations, I asked my husband to leave me at home and go out on my own, but he said, you are the boss’s wife - presence is mandatory. Among the guests was his friend, he is not an employee of his husband, he just stopped by to congratulate him and stayed. In the middle of the evening, this friend told me to shut up... Honestly, I don’t know why... I wasn’t talking to him, or even about him... Everyone heard it... I froze, I couldn’t say anything ... I feel terrible humiliation, and I’m also ashamed of myself, because I couldn’t stand up for myself, and ashamed of my husband, because he didn’t stand up... In the morning I asked my husband why he didn’t react to his friend’s action , my husband said that he hadn’t heard anything like that... Seriously??? He was sitting 20 centimeters from me, everyone heard, there was deathly silence at the table... and he said - I didn’t hear... He said that he would talk to his friend and explain to him that this couldn’t be done with me, but he didn’t have time, minutes fifteen years later, his friend called me and said that they told him about his behavior yesterday, he himself doesn’t remember anything, but apologizes, like he’s a drunken fool, what can you do, it happened and happened, well, you’re like, I’m sorry... Then these two comrades they started communicating as if nothing had happened, I understand that everything is cool with them, they both don’t remember anything, but I remember, it hurts, I can’t forget all this humiliation, I can’t forgive my husband for how I felt at that moment , very lonely and vulnerable... I just don't know what to do... I don't know how to cope negative emotions, I don’t know how to forgive my husband, I don’t know how to communicate with his friend now... Everything seems to be normal, everyone has apologized, but these apologies don’t make any difference to me, and I don’t know what to do, how to behave, to really forgive... and is it necessary to forgive at all?

Psychologist Daria Igorevna Rodionova answers the question.

Hello, Katerina.

Let's break your situation down into its constituent facts.

In the middle of an alcoholic evening, your husband's friend, for reasons unknown to you, tells you to shut up. This makes you feel terrible humiliation. You are ashamed of yourself because you couldn't stand up for yourself. You are ashamed of your husband because he did not stand up.

In the morning you ask your husband why he didn’t react to his friend’s action. The husband replies that he didn’t hear anything like that. You don’t understand this, because he was sitting 20 centimeters away.

Now everything seems to be normal, everyone has apologized, but these apologies are of no use to you. And you don’t know how to cope with negative emotions, how to forgive (and whether you should forgive) your husband, how to communicate with his friend.

Let's try to figure it out.

I in no way condone drunken actions, but! For some unknown internal reason, a drunk friend told you to shut up (it sounds rude, yes. But nothing more). And whose problem is this? This is a problem and the “cockroaches” are not yours, theirs. But it was you who chose to overreact and accept it as humiliation.

I noticed that you did not write about whether the people at the table supported you or stood up for you. I can assume not. And here I have a question. Katerina, how do you do it yourself, so that people think that you don’t care, that you are made of steel and don’t need support, help, protection? You have expressed your feelings and experiences quite transparently in your letter. But do you do this in life, in the moment of an unpleasant situation?

You write that you are ashamed of yourself because you could not stand up for yourself. Katerina, how often do you allow your boundaries to be violated and not react to what is unpleasant to you? What would your defense look like and what prevented you from doing so at that moment?

Of course, you expected protection from your husband. And his inaction made you feel lonely and vulnerable. That is, your expectations were not met. And it makes me angry! But the reality is that not always the other person can and wants to help us. But we ourselves can help ourselves with a much greater likelihood. Including

Awareness and appropriation of your feelings/emotions;

By voicing your feelings/emotions regarding behavior and setting the boundaries of what is unacceptable.

When you realize that you have YOU, you free yourself from the painful feeling of loneliness and vulnerability. And in essence, you free yourself from emotional dependence on the behavior of any other person.

You ask how to cope with negative emotions, how to forgive your husband, how to communicate with his friend, despite their apologies. Look. When we hold onto a grudge, it gives us the feeling that we can now control those who are guilty of us. Punish him. And also receive “compensation” from him. I think it's important for you to have your emotions acknowledged. So that those - the guilty ones - understand how painful, sad, and offensive you are. And we shared these feelings with you. If this is the case, then you can simply tell the “culprits” how you feel. Receive support, acceptance in return - and let go of the offense (and along with it, anger). Or not receive it - and then live your powerlessness and independence.

Hello,
I have a very big problem. I've been married for 5.5 years. I have known my husband for 8 years. I wouldn't say it was love at first sight. But gradually I got used to him and even thought that I loved him very much. For 8 years we quarreled a lot, it came to breaking up, but every time it hurt me to let him go, when we stayed away from each other, I was bored, I felt very bad. All my feelings changed as soon as I became pregnant. More precisely, after his relationship with me. I spent the first 3 months of pregnancy very poorly. I couldn’t eat and slept constantly. My mother-in-law started complaining about me to my husband, and instead of supporting me, he made scandals for me. At the 5th month I went to my parents, and my husband went to the army. I stayed with my parents for 2.5 months. I moved to where my husband worked, rented an apartment, and even then he treated me like a housekeeper. Like, why is there dust and dirty glass, etc. Well, it seemed to me that he was worried about the child, did not want germs to get into the body, etc. Well, this attitude is still alienating. My husband has close friend, with whom he has been friends for more than 4 years. Let's just say, a mutual friend of the family, because with him I could share our problems with my husband, and he supported us and helped fix the relationship. After giving birth, my relationship with my husband completely deteriorated because of his relatives. By the 8th month of my boy, I began to think about divorce. But what held me back was that the child would be left without a father. It’s not a problem for me to live alone, since I work, and it’s enough for both me and the child without my husband’s alimony. At that time, his friend tried us on. But I have no feelings left for my husband as such. We still live, but we constantly argue.
As for my problem. When my boy turned 1.5 years old, in the evening my husband and friends and I went to a club. Our close friend was also there. At the end of the evening, I felt my friend’s gaze. I looked, and he looked into my eyes with such, how can I say, tenderness (at that moment the song “there is no one more beautiful than you” was playing). I got goosebumps, and after that I started thinking about him. The three of us (me, my husband and his friend) very often go to all sorts of parties in clubs, etc. Another 6 months have passed. In the last 4 parties in a club where it is very crowded, his friend started holding my hand when I went to the toilet, walked with me, hugging me around the waist. They were waiting in line in the toilet, he also hugged me and waited until I came out. The last time at all (I have a feeling that I can’t breathe without him) after leaving the club we were driving home. My husband drove the car, I sat next to him, and my friend lay in the back seat. Suddenly he took my hand and began to caress me..... we clasped our hands and drove home like that... I felt like the last pig in relation to my husband... but I can’t help it. This all happens after we drink too much. On the trail. day we sat down at the table as if nothing had happened. I just asked my husband how we got there, saying, I don’t remember how I got there yesterday, with my husband’s friend... About 2 weeks have passed since that incident, but I can’t find a place for myself. Recently, my husband, I, my child and his friend all went on vacation together. We swam, walked, etc. together. and as if nothing had happened. It’s just that when he talks to me, he speaks kindly; when we argue with my husband, he tries to support me. But again, like just a very good friend. After returning home, the same as on vacation. During this period, I decided to divorce, I told my husband about my decision, but he won’t let me go... He says that he will do everything to keep me, he will try to make sure that my feelings for him return... But I don’t stop thinking about his friend... To me it hurts and at the same time these feelings lift my spirits, give me warmth... The only one I think about is this moment this is my child... Help, please, advise what I should do.....