If a child is bullied at school, in kindergarten, on the street: advice from a psychologist and lawyer

What to do if a child is bullied at school, in kindergarten, or on the street? A psychologist and a lawyer will talk about ways to get out of a difficult situation, as well as the reasons for this phenomenon. These recommendations are designed for a child of any age, as well as for various circumstances of a child’s life. You just need to adapt these tips to suit your situation.

One piece of advice for those parents who are trying to solve this problem at the moment: read the entire article. It is not enough to simply protect a child from the attacks of bullies. It is very important for parents to understand the essence and cause of the problem. And, if possible, eliminate it. Otherwise, it is possible that the child will suffer from attacks from other people all his life.

Some children themselves strive to communicate with their peers and happily go to school or kindergarten, while for others this thought alone causes anxiety. And here parents should be wary. But usually adults are concerned about the child’s learning process, and not about the child’s communication with other children. When a mother comes to kindergarten, she usually asks how the child slept or ate. During school years, parents are already worried about another question: how is their child studying?

But almost no one is ever interested in how their child communicates, with whom he is friends. And only when the problem is already brewing, parents begin to worry about why their child is offended by other children, and why no one is friends with him.

Unfortunately, even after finding out the truth, some parents continue to do nothing. Why is this happening?

Firstly, there are parents who do nothing out of principle. They believe that a child should find a common language with other children on his own, without anyone’s interference.

Secondly, many parents simply do not know what to do in such a situation, they are afraid of harming the child with their actions.

Thirdly, some people simply don't like their children. Lack of love for one’s own child does not depend on the social status, wealth, gender or age of his parent. This may be a completely successful person who outwardly copes well with raising a child. But he does this out of necessity, out of a sense of duty, not love. He is not deeply touched by childhood problems and experiences.

Should parents intervene in the situation?

First of all, an adult must realize that solving this problem is HIS responsibility (the responsibility of the parent, not the child). For children, such a burden is too heavy and can have negative consequences in the future.

First of all, parents need to try to find out the reason why other children offend the child. Then decide on your actions, depending on the specific situation.

Indeed, active parental intervention is not always required. A minor conflict with another child could arise by chance: during communication or play. It just happened that way. In a couple of days, everything will be forgotten, and the children will begin to communicate normally again. But even in such “easy” cases, parents must support their child, tell him how best to behave in a given situation.

It’s another matter if a child systematically has conflicts with peers, they don’t want to be friends with him, he is persecuted by other children, he is humiliated, insulted, beaten. Actions need to be taken urgently here. This cannot be done without adult intervention.

In addition to all other actions, it is advisable to consult a psychologist. He will work with the child, support and reassure him, teach him how to communicate correctly with peers, tell him what to do in a given situation, how to make friends. The specialist will also objectively assess the circumstances of the conflict and guide parents on how to proceed.

How to understand that a child is being bullied? Signs

Often a child who has difficulty communicating with other children does not tell anyone about his secret. It is, of course, easier for a kindergarten teacher to recognize the problem because children are constantly in his sight. It is more difficult for a teacher to keep track of his students, since child abusers often choose a time when adults do not see them (they bully the victim during breaks, after school, etc.).

Parents are the people who are required to notice that something is wrong, even when all the other adults have lost sight of it. It’s good when a child has a trusting relationship with his mother, father or other relative, then he himself can turn to them for help and advice. What to do if the child is silent? How can I find out about the problem?

Here are a few signs that parents should be wary of:

the child’s complaints about the behavior of other children towards him;
bruises, abrasions, contusions;
missing or damaged items;
lack of desire to go to school or kindergarten;
isolation;
low mood;
tearfulness;
decreased self-esteem;
lack of desire to communicate with other children;
increased anxiety;
nightmares at night;
hysterics;
nervous tic;
stuttering;
enuresis, etc.

All signs are purely individual. They don't have to be all of them. But the presence of even one of them is a signal for parents to at least just have a heart-to-heart talk with their child. Another tip for adults: on a psychosomatic level, such a child may often get sick.

Why is my child being bullied? Causes

Unfortunately, no child is immune from bullying. There are many factors that cause bullying. But in most cases, one common feature can be identified - the child is somehow different from other children.

Here are some reasons for bullying:

Low self-esteem. This is perhaps the most important factor. A child’s authority among his peers is determined by his self-esteem. Low self-esteem leads to low authority among peers. A child with low authority will always be a victim in any team.
Features of character and behavior. More often than others, children who are withdrawn, anxious, fearful, shy, insecure, sensitive, prone to loneliness and depression, and are more likely than their peers to think about suicide are bullied.
Features of appearance. If a child is red-haired, overweight, or wears glasses, he is much more likely to attract the attention of bullies. But even an ideal appearance, the absence of any features in it, is not a guarantee that a child will not be bullied.
Belonging to another race or nationality. Having the peculiarities of appearance and behavior of his people, such a child will certainly differ from the bulk of children.
Physical disabilities, manifestations of illness. For example, lameness, nervous tics, large birthmarks, etc.
Speech defects or features. Stuttering, poor pronunciation of sounds, foreign accent.
Fitness level. This point applies more to boys. If a child is weaker than his peers, clumsy, falls behind in physical education, does not play active games well, etc., he is undoubtedly an easy prey for bullies. But even a boy athlete can become a victim of bullying, because at school there is always someone stronger, for example, a senior student or a bunch of hooligans from a school gang.
Academic performance. Here both poor and excellent students get it, since they, although in different ways, differ from the bulk of children. They don't like either one or the other.
Poor health. Due to frequent absences from classes, the child has no friends, since he does not have time to build close relationships with anyone.
Lack of friends. One child likes to communicate with peers; he prefers to spend his free time with them. The other is quite comfortable alone with himself, he does not seek to communicate and has fun alone. An outcast child often does not have such a choice; they do not want to be friends with him because of his status. Single children (both voluntary and forced) are at much greater risk of becoming victims of bullying than those who spend their leisure time in a group. It is easier and safer for the offender to act alone, knowing that no one will stand up for him. Bullying a child who is currently communicating with other children is dangerous: you can incur the wrath of several people at once who were disturbed by the bully. Bullying a child who has a friend or even his own company is also stupid: it is possible that the offender will turn the entire company against him. So the child’s friends and acquaintances are his small army.
New team. It is not so easy for a newcomer to gain authority among his peers, since roles in an established team are usually already distributed (authoritative “old men” are not eager to let another competitor into their ranks). In addition, other children have already built friendships, but the newcomer is still alone.
Unusual first or last name of a child. They also serve as bait for offenders.
Low social status of the family. Often children know not only the child himself, but also his family. A child from a poor, large or dysfunctional family, whose parents work in low-prestige jobs or suffer from alcoholism, is less attractive to peers and runs the risk of becoming a victim of bullying. Children of rich and influential parents are much more popular among their peers, they want to be friends with them, and they are afraid of being bullied. Apparently, not only the halo of wealth and success that surrounds the child plays a role here, but also the subconsciously assumed powerful support from influential relatives who, if desired, can cause great trouble to the offender. Thus, the authority of parents or other relatives influences the child’s authority (changes it for the better or for the worse).
Clothing, accessories, toys. If a child stands out from other children due to worn-out, cheap, ugly clothes, lack of things that almost everyone in a given group has (for example, a mobile phone, tablet, etc.), then his status may suffer from this (the child looks like comes from a poor family). But in the eyes of their peers, those who have things (clothes, toys, electronics, etc.) that other children only dream about are attractive. After all, good communication with the happy owner of a cool thing gives you a chance to take a closer look at it and even try its action.
Sloppiness. This includes stale clothes, defects on them and on shoes (holes, scuffs, patches, seams in place of holes, etc.), worn, dirty things (briefcase, pencil case, etc.), overgrown hair, dirty nails , skin, ears, hair, unpleasant odor from clothes or body. Also, other children may be put off by head lice and various skin diseases.
Parental overprotection. How can you become independent, learn anything, if someone constantly does everything for you, tightly controls every step? Overprotection is, of course, very bad, because in such unfavorable conditions the child’s character develops (overprotection affects him negatively). Parents urgently need to correct their mistake. But even if you suspect yourself of being overprotective, under no circumstances demonstrate it in front of other people’s children. What impression will they have of your child when they see how mom runs around with him? He is not independent, he is incompetent, he can’t do anything on his own, he won’t even take a step without his mother. It is possible that after such a demonstration, children will begin to treat your child worse.
Unprofessionalism of teachers. For children, the opinion of significant adults is very important (significant adults for a child, for example, can be a mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, teacher, educator, etc.). Both the teacher and the educator can easily provoke bullying of a child if, in the presence of other children, they begin to speak negatively about him or in some other way demonstrate their disapproval. Therefore, both words and actions towards children must be extremely correct.

Of course, not all causes of bullying are listed here. Let's find out why they lead to a serious problem.

The child’s authority among peers

Each person in any team has his own authority. Children either have authority or they don’t have it at all. Authority comes from self-esteem. But the whole point is that in preschool and primary school age, a child’s self-esteem is formed through mirror reflection. That is, “how others see me is how I see myself.” If a child is constantly beaten and offended by other children, then such a child will consider himself insignificant. The situation is different with high school and adolescence. Here everything changes, and self-esteem takes on an intrapersonal character. Now the teenager’s inner world itself determines his self-esteem, or “how I see myself is how others see me.” A child who is constantly beaten will also not consider himself normal, and self-esteem will be low.

A child’s authority is greatly influenced by the attitude of significant adults (teachers, educators, etc.) towards him. If they treat a child with disrespect, then, looking at adults, children will begin to do the same.

The child’s authority also suffers if he is attacked by another child(ren). Unfortunately, a bad example is contagious. Undermining authority in some cases leads to the fact that almost the entire children's team gets involved in bullying.

For some reason, it is believed that the problem of abuse between peers is most acute among boys. Looking at modern talk show stories, where girls crowd kill their classmate, we can draw conclusions that in the women's team the problem is no less acute. Aggressiveness is not inherent in women by nature. But more and more girls are becoming victims of their own girlfriends. This trend has been observed for just over 10 years.

Psychologists come to the conclusion that it is the modern aggressive situation in the world that provokes violent behavior in young girls. And the consequences of such behavior are depressing: the victim of bullying sometimes ends up in a hospital, and the offenders, at least, end up in a commission for juvenile affairs, and in extreme cases, in a temporary detention center for juvenile offenders.

To stop bullying, the root cause of the bullying must be identified and, ideally, eliminated. To do this, the specialist recommends following the following plan:

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your child. Ask if he has any problems. Don't ask about studies, grades, etc. In conversation, focus on feelings. The main thing is to show that you love him, that he can turn to you for support and help in any situation. Perhaps the child himself will tell you the reason for bullying him.

Often the root of all problems is that parents do not have a close emotional connection with the child. Simply put, parents don't talk to their children about their feelings, experiences, everything. In our country, the main emphasis is on the child’s education, and not on his psychological development. Communicate with your children, and you will always be aware of their problems, as well as the reasons for this or that behavior.

All problems come from the family, and they must be solved there. If a child is confident that he is loved, even with a strong defect in appearance, he will have good self-esteem and self-confidence. The process of communication between family members also plays an important role. If a child is bullied at home or sees violence in the family, this will lead to abuse in the peer group.

Talk to the class teacher (teacher). Take an interest in how your child behaves, with whom he is friends, with whom he conflicts. This will give you the opportunity to see him through the eyes of other people and will help you understand why the child is offended by other children. Perhaps he himself provokes conflicts, bullying his peers.

It would also be a good idea to find out what other children around him are interested in. If, for example, all the girls in the group have Barbie dolls, but your daughter does not, she may well become an outcast. Buying this doll will help your daughter increase her authority among her peers, give her the opportunity to play with girls, and become part of the community of fashion doll owners. The same principle works with boys, only their toys are different. Outcast children need to join the group, and popular toys help them do this.

How else can you increase your child’s authority in the eyes of other children? In their assessment, children, first of all, are guided by the opinions of significant adults from their environment. Therefore, teachers and educators can either increase the child’s authority in the eyes of others or kill him completely. Consequently, the main work of increasing the authority of an outcast child also falls on the shoulders of these adults. Such a child needs to be assigned (in full view of other children) important tasks that he can definitely handle, and also praise him (again in full view of other students). Children will see that a significant adult respects and highly values the child and his abilities, since he trusts him with such important matters. Also, successful completion of tasks will increase the child’s self-esteem. This is very important, because as mentioned earlier, authority comes from self-esteem.

Review the list of reasons for bullying. If a conversation with the child and the teacher does not clarify the situation, try to find the true cause of bullying by analyzing the above list of causes of bullying. The identified cause of bullying must be eliminated. For example, if a child is not well-groomed, you need to put your appearance in order; if there are speech defects, you need to contact a speech therapist, etc. Unfortunately, it is not always possible to eliminate the cause of bullying. Often parents are unable to resolve their child’s conflict with other children on their own. In this case, pay attention to the following advice.
Contact a psychologist. It would seem, why, if all the information can now be found on the Internet? But the fact is that every situation is unique. Sometimes the correct answers and solutions are not on the surface, accessible only to those who have knowledge of psychology. A specialist will not only identify the true causes of bullying, but will also tell you how to act specifically in your situation.

If necessary, the psychologist will work with the child: help him raise self-esteem, teach him how to communicate correctly with peers, make friends, tell him how to act during a conflict, etc. Increasing self-esteem will inevitably lead to increased authority among peers. If the intrapersonal causes of bullying are not eliminated in time, it is possible that problems in communicating with others will haunt the child throughout his life.

If you decide to change school (kindergarten), carefully weigh your decision. When a child has problems due to low authority among peers, changing the children's team seems to be the way out of the situation. But this is not always the right decision. The child’s authority is lowered for a reason; he is negatively affected by some factor(s). Which one exactly is what parents need to find out. If a child “takes” him with him to a new team, this factor(s) will continue to reduce his authority in the new place, which means he will again become an outcast. Because a child with low authority will always become a victim in any team.

If a child is bullied at school, in kindergarten, on the street, etc., both the victim himself and his parents often feel alone with the misfortune. The misleading impression is created that this is a personal problem for the victim of bullying and her family, and no one is obliged to help them solve it. But that's not true. A child has a lot of potential defenders; you just need to know who to turn to for help. Let’s work with a lawyer to figure out what parents should do when their child is offended by other children:

By law, every child has the right to live in a safe environment that is conducive to his growth and development. Humiliation, insults, beatings, etc. from other people (both adults and children) are a violation of your child’s rights, and therefore a violation of the law.
There are many institutions that are obliged to ensure that the rights of every child are respected. First of all, these are organizations involved in raising and educating children, that is, kindergartens and schools. There are also institutions that ensure that children whose rights are violated are protected, and those who violate their rights are punished. For example, these are various social rehabilitation centers for children and adolescents, commissions for minors, etc. Do you see how many potential defenders you have?
When asking for help, do not start by “downloading your rights” and demanding. Just ask for help, not demand it. It is possible that an employee of the institution will be imbued with your situation and sincerely want to help the child. But if you manage to ruin your relationship with him, they will help you solely out of obligation. Or they will find a reason to refuse help. First try to achieve what you want with good. But if they refuse, then you can demand it.
Don't put the solution to the problem on your child's shoulders. Some parents reason like this: “Let him learn to communicate normally with his peers and resolve conflicts with them.” The problem is too complex (practically unsolvable) for a child. Such things should be controlled by adults. It’s good if it’s not only parents, but also a psychologist.
Those parents who are inactive because of prejudices such as “complaining is not good”, who are afraid of being branded as a brawler and an informer, protect their peace of mind at the expense of their children’s severe mental pain. Such parents, by inaction, actually help bullies torment their child. The concern of a parent is to protect his offspring from moral and physical violence. Overcome your confusion, fear and reluctance to act. If you need to contact the school director, then contact the director. If you need police help, then contact the police. And if someone around you doesn’t like it, then most likely they don’t care about your child’s well-being at all. Let them think what they want. Let's get our priorities straight.
Figure out what this conflict is. Whether it is a random quarrel or bullying, how serious is the harm caused to your child. Indeed, in some “mild” cases, parents do not have to do anything. For example, if this is a random quarrel, usually the offender and his victim communicate normally with each other and after the quarrel, most likely, the relationship will improve, and little harm will be done (for example, one called the other a name). But if a child has been beaten or has become an object of bullying from other children, then parents need to urgently take action.
Do not sort things out with the offender and his parents yourself. It is better to do this through intermediaries (teacher, class teacher, etc.). Remember, you have no right to touch someone else's child! Otherwise, you will already have problems with the law. Even angry words hurled at someone else's offspring can have unpleasant consequences for you.
Report the problem to the adult who is directly responsible for your child's well-being. If he is bullied in kindergarten, tell the teacher. If at school - to the class teacher. If at a sports school - to the coach. And so on. Often the problem can be solved at this level.
If the problem is not resolved, write a statement addressed to the administration of the institution (that is, to the head of the kindergarten, school director, etc.). In the statement, describe the situation, ask to protect your child from offenders and take action against the latter. If you are dissuaded from applying, do not fall for these persuasions. A statement is a document, written confirmation that you have informed the administration of the institution about the conflict. There is a statement, which means measures must be taken. If there is no application, you can always say that no measures have been taken because the parents did not apply.
If after this the child continues to be offended, do not believe the assurances of the administration of the child care institution that they have done everything possible to resolve the conflict. They have the opportunity to reason with the hooligans, but to do this they will have to “wash their dirty linen in public.” But I don’t want to do this (“as if something might come out”).
Social rehabilitation centers for children and adolescents, family and children assistance centers also guard the rights and interests of the child. Those who contact such a center receive comprehensive assistance. First of all, a psychologist works with them. He not only provides the child with psychological assistance, but also finds out the hidden causes of the conflict with other children and gives recommendations on how to get out of it correctly. Work is also carried out with offenders and their parents (to prevent further offenses). Such centers are in contact with kindergartens, schools, and juvenile affairs commissions, since sometimes clients’ problems can only be solved through the joint efforts of these institutions.
If a child has been beaten, the beating must be removed as soon as possible (preferably on the same day). To do this, you need to go to the emergency room, and in case of moderate and severe injuries, immediately call an ambulance. If you don’t know the address of the emergency room, call any hospital (preferably the registry or information desk), find out where the emergency room is located (or another institution where you can film the beatings). At the emergency room, the doctor will examine the child, provide him with first aid and issue a certificate. It will, among other things, list all bodily injuries and indicate the exact time of seeking medical help. Be sure to check that the certificate contains the doctor’s signature and the seal of the medical institution. Without them, the document will be invalid.
So, if contacting a child care center does not bring any results, or the child is being bullied outside the territory of the child care center (for example, on the street), go to the police and write a statement. For him, not only a few abrasions and bruises are enough, but even threats alone. Show the police a certificate from the emergency room (if you have one). In the application you need to describe the situation and indicate as much information as possible about the hooligans (if you know it, of course): their names, what classes or schools they are from, where they live, etc. Police officers will register the offenders and deal with them preventive work and periodically monitor them. Perhaps the hooligans will be sent to a special institution for juvenile offenders. After police intervention, the problem usually disappears.
If a police officer discourages you from filing a complaint (because this will add more work to him), be persistent. Moreover, let them put a note for you that the application was accepted on such and such a date. This way it can’t get “lost.”
If the police do not want to take a statement, contact the prosecutor's office and higher authorities of law enforcement agencies. In the statement, indicate that police officer so-and-so refused to accept him. You can send a copy of the application to the district education department.
Until your actions bring results, try, as far as possible, to protect your child from the attacks of bullies (for example, pick him up from school).
In such difficult situations, modern technical devices can be of great benefit. Nowadays, parents buy mobile phones for almost all their children. There are models equipped with a panic button. There are phones with a child tracking function. With the help of such devices, you can see where your child is now and hear what is happening around him. The voice recorder can be turned on automatically. This is very convenient, as it is possible to record threats or insults. And this is evidence, and not just words that, as they say, “can’t be attached to the case.”
Unfortunately, sometimes it is necessary to transfer a child to another educational institution. Therefore, find out in advance about schools where he can be transferred if the problem is not resolved.

Another potential threat

You cannot find a person who was not bullied in childhood. Friends, family, adults, intentionally or accidentally. Psychologists say that all negative childhood memories leave their mark on a person’s future fate. Therefore, it is important to understand why a child is offended by other children, and how to help him cope with this. If ignored, then parents have every chance of instilling victim behavior in their child. Such a person will behave like a victim all his life, regardless of gender. A person with a victim complex will always find trouble for himself.