Changing your attitude towards the situation. What to do if it is impossible to change the situation? Admit that this situation does not suit you

Another crazy idea, unfortunately associated with psychologists, sounds like this: If you can't change the situation, change your attitude towards it" Allegedly, psychologists say so and, moreover, greatly help everyone to do this.

This is exactly the opposite true! And that's why.

The fact is that psychologists don’t need to do this, the clients themselves have already done it for them, in fact, that’s why they had to turn to a psychologist, that’s why they suffer and suffer and experience what is called neurosis.

Let's look at an example. A person is going through a difficult life situation - divorce, dismissal, conflict with a loved one. Normal reactions to such situations may be sadness, anger, sadness, melancholy, pain, loneliness, etc.

But a person fails to live through these feelings. Maybe because they are too strong and heavy and there is no one who could support him in living them, maybe because a person was forbidden to feel them in childhood (“don’t be angry,” “shame on you for being upset,” look at ... it’s a thousand times worse for him”).

And then the person does exactly what psychologists supposedly advise - not being able to change the situation, he changes his attitude towards it. For example, he begins to suppress his anger or convince himself that he has already completely forgotten about close friend or... further in the same spirit.

In reality, of course, the attitude does not change, it is only masked, hidden, suppressed, and the real experience, real pain goes deep and turns into a disease - psychological, sometimes psychosomatic.

The second part of the Marlezon ballet - “ you can't change the situation..." There are a lot of situations in life that cannot be changed. This is true! Sometimes it’s hard to accept, but there’s nothing you can do about it...

But often, when you ask a person what kind of situation he means when he says the secret “you can’t change the situation...”, the answer is surprising. " I have to change my attitude towards the boss who yells at me”, “I have to tolerate this woman because she is my wife”, “I can’t answer her anything - she is my mother!” etc.

It turns out that for this person his boss, wife and mother are on a par with such irreversible and unshakable givens as death or the change of seasons. In this case, so-called introjects work, that is, certain social and/or family stereotypes that are not realized by a person, but greatly influence the area of ​​what he can afford to change.

These introjects can be, for example, like this - “mother is sacred”, “women should not be offended”, “money should be given hard work, (preferably with blood and sweat)" etc.

Greetings, ! Alla Alekseeva is with you. I wish you light and joy in your soul, as well as a wonderful and productive weekend!

Perhaps, each of us would like life to pass as calmly as possible - without shocks and unpleasant surprises. But, nevertheless, on the road of life we ​​from time to time have to face stressful situations, and some of them cause us strong feelings. negative emotions. As a rule, a person is completely immersed in this situation, experiencing it again and again, especially if he is unable to change the current circumstances. Indignation and resentment grow - all this leads to self-destruction, and then, possibly, to illness.

Psychologists say: if you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it. Easy to say, but how to do it? Many people don’t even understand what it means to change their attitude towards a situation.
But we often utter phrases: “from a point of view,” “look from a different angle,” “from this angle,” “apparently,” “in my (our) opinion,” etc. And we tend to perceive these expressions as nothing more than metaphors, without particularly delving into their meaning. From an NLP point of view, any phenomenon can truly be looked at from different angles. Literally. And all because each such look can give rise to nervous system completely new sensations, give us new and necessary information.

I suggest you do the following now: look around and select any object in the room. Look at it carefully, as if you are seeing it for the first time. Imagine that this is a painting. Now mentally place it in a beautiful gilded frame. How does she look? Then imagine the same picture in a regular wooden frame. Which option did you like best?
So, the picture itself is the situation (a fait accompli), and the frame is our attitude towards it. A fact in itself can be neither bad nor good - it is neutral, and only we decide how to perceive it: with a plus or minus sign. For example, people are relaxing on the beach and suddenly it rains. Some quickly pack their things and leave, while others run to swim in the sea in the rain.

Any situation that we have to face is given to us to gain life experience. And instead of whining that life is terribly unfair, it is better to try to learn a useful lesson for yourself. This is the essence of changing your attitude towards the situation.

First of all, you need to calm down. To do this, it is advisable to retire and turn off your phone. Try to let go of all unnecessary thoughts from your head like “Oh, how “bad” he is!” or “Oh, how bad I feel!”
Now start remembering everything that happened, but looking at the situation from the outside - like a picture or like a film in which you - main character. Try to remain calm while watching this “movie”.

Now think about why this situation was given to you, what you must learn. Just don’t blame anyone, because everything that happens to us, we attract into our lives ourselves. Every situation brings a positive experience for us - so think about which one.
Besides, you can find a positive side in everything if you try. For example, I did this: I briefly described the situation on a piece of paper, then wrote the word “BUT” - then followed by the good that I received (it was not possible to discern this good right away, but after a detailed analysis it still worked out).
Changing your attitude towards a situation can be very difficult. But it's possible. The main thing: desire + effort, because in the end everything is in your hands.

There is a wonderful parable:

"One old woman cried all the time. Her eldest daughter married an umbrella seller, and her youngest daughter married a noodle seller. When the old woman saw that the weather was good and the day would be sunny, she cried and thought: “Terrible! The weather is so good, my daughter "No one will buy an umbrella from the rain in the shop! What can we do?" If the weather was bad and it was raining, she would cry again, this time for her youngest daughter: “If the noodles don’t dry in the sun, youngest daughter won't sell it. What to do?"

And so she grieved every day in any weather: either because of her eldest daughter, or because of her youngest. One day she met a monk who felt sorry for the old woman and asked why she was crying so bitterly. The woman told him all her sorrows, but the monk just smiled and said:
- Just change your way of thinking, you won’t change the weather in any way: when the sun is shining, don’t think about the eldest daughter’s umbrellas, but think about the younger daughter’s noodles: “The sun is shining! The youngest daughter’s noodles will dry well, and the trade will be successful.” When it rains, think about your eldest daughter’s umbrellas: “Now it’s raining!” My daughter’s umbrellas will probably sell well.”

First of all, let's try to figure out what this “situation” is and where it comes from. After all, not a single problematic “situation” comes like a bolt from the blue. It always has prerequisites and sources. The causes of such situations are divided into two categories: some of them are external, and others are a person’s experiences, an internal reaction to these events.

I propose to consider the first group of reasons. Can we do something about those factors that lie outside the boundaries of our soul and body? At first glance it seems not. How can we influence external forces? But if you take a closer look, it depends only on the person himself whether to continue to be in an uncomfortable situation or not, to expose himself to negative factors or to try to avoid them. Here, of course, not everything completely depends on us. But we must understand that there is not only black and white. There are some things we can influence, and some things we cannot. And it is the task of every person to recognize what he can change in this situation. To do this, first of all, you need to recognize this situation as uncomfortable and unpleasant. Without this, no changes are possible at all. This is exactly what they help with internal factors, our relationships, experiences, assessments.

Let's look at another factor. There is a phrase that has set the teeth on edge: “ If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it!" But what does this really mean? And how to do this - change your attitude? Where does this attitude even come from? Do we decide for ourselves how to react to a given situation? Like everything else, we learn to react emotionally to current events in childhood. Of course, not directly. Parents do not teach us when we are young how to react, for example, to being fired or not parting with a loved one. But all ours adults situations can be reduced to certain categories. The list might look something like this: success, failure, surprise, stressful situation. We learn how to react to these very situations in childhood under the influence of the adults around us. Situations of failure for a small child, a teenager, a student and, for example, an office worker are completely different, but in the way one person reacts to them we will find a lot in common. And we cannot force ourselves to react to these situations differently by force of will. Well, maybe we can do it once if we try very hard, but in general the response pattern will remain similar. What to do? This is where the methods and methods of psychotherapy come to the rescue. To do this, you need to study the person’s personal history and, together with him, understand how this method of response appeared, what events and experiences accompanied this process? By working with these events in the process of therapy, living them, we reduce their significance for a person, reduce their influence. At the same time, a person gets the opportunity to form his own, new way response to a particular group of situations. Now he does not need to act as his elders accidentally “taught” him, and he can develop a way of responding that is adequate to his strengths and capabilities. (I write “taught” in quotation marks because this is rarely direct direct teaching. We are usually taught very the right things. But the learning process also involves observing adults and their reactions; these are the situations that a child finds himself in over and over again).

Such a thorny and time-consuming path awaits those who really want to change their attitude towards surrounding events.

“If you cannot change your circumstances, change your attitude towards them”! This wise thought, expressed by Marcus Aurelius, has passed through the centuries to the present day and has helped many realize the truth: we ourselves are responsible for what happens to us.

Sometimes it is not possible to change circumstances, or it is simply not possible to do it quickly enough. You can't get new job or a new position in an instant, reality takes time to materialize. You cannot force others to change against their will. You also cannot erase the past. So what can we do?
Change your perception of surrounding events and circumstances. This will help us change our attitude and ultimately allow us to move beyond the uncontrollable and free ourselves from struggles that we cannot win.
People are concerned not so much about things and events as about the opinions that are formed around these things or events. Reactions to events are determined primarily by their opinion of the event rather than by the event itself.
That is, the same event can cause different reactions depending on the person who perceives this event. All we have to do is change our perception and we can easily change our attitude towards the situation.

• Stop your mind.

In order to gain conscious control over what is happening in your mind, you must observe your mind. You must learn to distinguish your thoughts from imposed ideas and opinions, you must learn to stop the stormy train of thoughts in order to be able to concentrate on one thing. Right now, try to take a deep breath and clear your mind of chatter. Concentrate on what is happening inside and around you. Feel what a multifaceted world is inside you. Take a break from routine work, find time for yourself. Don't say you can't. Yes, you have a lot of urgent things to do, goals to achieve, but it is absolutely necessary to do it. Make yourself unavailable to others for a while. Find a quiet place to be alone, take a deep breath, focus your attention on yourself...

• Change your focus.

When we become aware of our thoughts and emotions, we become able to consciously change our focus from one thought to another. Different thoughts and circumstances have different weight depending on the angle of view. It's time to consciously focus on what inspires us. What we focus on receives energy, if we understand this, we simply have to be selective and concentrate only on what will be best for us. We're not our own enemies, are we? Change your thoughts and you change your reality. Our thoughts are the creators of our mood, the conductors of our dreams, they influence our will and our intention. This is why we must examine our thoughts carefully and be very careful and selective. A thought creates an intention that, with energy and action, will be translated into reality.

• Accept life and let go of worries.

Excessive worries build up force waves around you that will ruin your plans. If you are very worried, rest assured the weight of these experiences will not allow your true intention to be realized. Somewhere inside you, there is you, but on a more “subtle level”, the one who is eternally in the world. Because inner peace does not depend on external conditions; it is what remains when you have let go of your ego and worries. Peace can be found within you anywhere and at any time. He is always there, patiently waiting for you to pay attention to him. Peace comes when you let go of the need to be somewhere else and accept where you are now, physically and emotionally. This recognition of how things are creates the basis for inner harmony.

• Practice gratitude.

What we must understand is that we really don’t need anything else; just appreciate what we already have. You may not have what you want now, but you still have enough. Be grateful for what you have, and also be grateful for what has not yet come to you. This will mean that there are still many opportunities available, it will mean that you are open to the world. Appreciate what you know, and also appreciate the countless things you have not yet understood. For in that which you do not understand there is the joy of growth. There will always be unknowns in life. Understand this and accept it.

• If it’s difficult for you, it’s just one of the manifestations of development.

Don't be discouraged if it's difficult for you, everything that happens will help you grow. It may be difficult to understand right now, but it will become clear later. Circumstances will guide and improve you over time. Sometimes these circumstances can be very difficult. There may be times when everything seems to be going wrong. At times like these, it may seem like you're stuck in this rut ​​forever, but that's not the case. Everything changes. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to arrive at the best. Because our greatest opportunities often come through great effort. Thus, if you encounter great resistance, then a greater miracle will definitely await behind it.

• Look at the end as the beginning of something new.

Everything in life ends someday. And it is very important to understand this and accept it. The end always gives birth to a beginning. Closing the door behind you - you enter new world. And until you close the old, you will not be able to open a new one; by letting go of the past, we attract the future.

• When all else fails, remember your body.

Thoughts and emotions are reflected in our body, but the opposite is also true; thoughts will reflect the state of our body. A few minutes of deep breathing can calm us down. By straightening our backs and lifting our heads, we invite confidence. A smile on your face will quickly inspire you. Remember this and use this knowledge to your advantage.

conclusions
Great possibilities are concentrated in our minds. What we focus on receives energy from us. This is why it is so important to control your attention and be aware of your actions. Our internal state will be reflected externally and create our reality.
If we cannot change anything in a situation, we have a way out - we can change our attitude. And this is very important. Since, deprived of the ability to control the world around us, we can develop a reflex of inaction, in contrast, if we do at least something, we accustom ourselves to the fact that the world reacts to our actions, which over time develops into confidence. Having boundless confidence and will, we will be able to do things that were previously inaccessible to us.
It is we who choose how to treat a situation; we can always control our perception and attitude.