What to do when your daughter offends you. I was offended and angry with my three year old daughter. What to do? Reasons for resentment towards your daughter
Hello, Irina.
It’s very good that you noticed this and thought about the existing problem. This is already 50% success. Awareness alone helps change the situation. but often situations arise in our emotional life that we cannot cope with. We seem to lose our heads and do stupid things, forgetting all our aspirations and desires.
This suggests that you yourself feel very bad and in pain, that you cannot fully understand and therefore satisfy your own needs. Anger, irritation, and sometimes fear and anxiety accumulate.
It is the anxiety of parents that surrounds the lives of children in the background that makes them also anxious. The fact is that from the age of three years, children begin to experience characteristic periods of age-related fears. This process is natural and natural. Fears arise in the child’s imagination, and he learns to tolerate them, and then cope with them and get rid of them. However, parents can interfere with this natural course. They can intensify fears, which does not allow the child to endure them, they can strengthen them, which interferes with the ability to cope with them on their own or receive support so that the little person can, with the help of a strong adult, overcome fear. Thus, natural age-related fears remain “undigested”, accumulate and become stronger in the psyche.
Conflicts between parents naturally cause additional anxiety in children and increase their fears. The child may begin to feel that this is not his mom and dad, since he blames himself for their conflict and at the same time cannot accept this terrifying idea. He begins to fear that he will not be loved and abandoned, and this means in his imagination inevitable death. It may also be that the child continues to be troubled by earlier fears that he has not yet been able to fully experience, for example, the fear of the dark.
Your anxiety and imbalance associated with the divorce and resentment towards your husband are perceived by your daughter as a signal of dislike for her. Imagine that she is terrified that you will leave her. She still cannot realize this, but simply lives with this horror in her heart.
Of course, you can try to deceive her and show her that everything is fine with you, tell her about your love, but children are very perceptive and your daughter will inevitably feel the insincerity of your words. The best solution would be for you to contact a psychologist and work with your emotional state. This will help you not only get through the divorce yourself and calm down, but also give your daughter a very important experience of positive feelings and emotional support.
Believe me, Irina, that now it’s better for you to think about yourself than to try to force yourself to be a good mother.
If you are unable to find a good psychologist in your city, I will be happy to work with you via Skype.
Skype consulting, fortunately, helps you talk with clients anywhere in the world. Among my clients there are many people living not only in different cities, but also in other countries. After all, it is best to talk about the hidden in your native language, but in a foreign country this can be impossible even with an abundance of psychologists and psychotherapists.
You will need a good video connection and one hour a week where you can talk freely without fear of being heard by someone other than me.
Contact, call or sign up for a Skype consultation here on the website. There is no need to torture yourself in vain - it is enough to admit that not everything is within our power, and sometimes we need outside help.
Several conversations with a psychologist will help you realize what is troubling you, give you the opportunity to speak out and be heard, and therefore be understood by yourself. It is difficult to calm your nerves with willpower when pain and despair caused by unconscious reactions remain in your soul. There is not and cannot be logic in them, you just need to accept and realize them. Trying to act “correctly” will only aggravate your condition, since mental hunger cannot be satisfied with logical food.
I wish you and your daughter peace and harmony with yourself, clarity of your thoughts and feelings, love and mutual understanding.
Biryukova Anastasia, your Gestalt psychologist in person in St. Petersburg and on Skype.
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0My child is 3.5 years old. She apparently has the same crisis of 3 years, but this is not about her, but about me. She didn’t want to go to kindergarten in the morning, she shed tears, I tried to turn everything into a game, to somehow cheer her up. And she hit me hard. It’s like in a game, I didn’t expect it myself. It hurt me and I cried like a child from both pain and resentment. At first my daughter laughed, then she was worried, but did not apologize. And I was very offended and angry at her for this and for the fact that she did not listen to me all morning. And now I’ve been in this stupid, childish state for five hours now, and I can’t get out of it on my own. What to do?
Answer from theSolution psychologist:
Hello! Knowledge on developing skills to effectively influence childish behavior. It is important for you to understand how your behavior affects your daughter's behavior. Let's figure this out.
Family roles
In a family, everyone plays an important role. A family is a subsystem in which there are 2 or more members: a man and a woman, their children. Other family members - grandparents, aunts, uncles, and so on - are not included in this subsystem. In any subsystem, each member plays a unique and important role: wife, husband, father, mother, son, daughter. Each family has its own functions, thanks to which the subsystem exists and develops harmoniously.
Adult members of the subsystem simultaneously perform several roles: husband and father, for example, or mother and wife. Children are the younger and more vulnerable members of the subsystem, and the main task of parents is to provide them with protection, care and training in basic life skills. The Child should not play the role of Parent in this subsystem, and parents should not play the role of Child. Although this happens quite often.
Parent (mother, father) is authoritative, knowledgeable, strong, intelligent, experienced, possessing life skills, and responsible. A child is weak, inexperienced, has little control over his reactions, lives by instincts, emotions, reacts spontaneously and openly, without responsibility.
It is important for the child to know and feel that the Parent knows what to do and is in control of the situation.
It is important for the Parent to do this, then the Child will follow him as if he were more experienced and, repeating his behavior patterns, learn independence and acquire the necessary life skills. Everything is the same as in the animal world: in order for a tiger cub to learn how to get food, it watches how its parents do it and repeats after them. His parents provide him with care and protection until he learns everything necessary for independent life. With people, everything is the same: parents, by their example, teach the child to react to different life situations, interact with other people, with himself, make decisions, and so on.
What your reaction to her behavior can teach your daughter is that when you are offended, you need to be offended and cry. Children unconsciously copy the behavior patterns of their parents.
In a Parent-Child relationship, the Parent is big, strong, and knows what to do, and the Child is weak and does not understand how to behave effectively. The child reacts somewhere instinctively (where he has not yet learned), and somewhere according to parental example. And he expects that the Parent, taking into account his life experience and your knowledge, will influence the situation and teach you to act effectively.
Behave calmly, confidently and lovingly, and the child will follow you
It is important to respect the child and not ignore his needs. Very often, a child’s aggressive reaction is due to the fact that parents do not openly and directly respond to his needs. Show that you see and understand his feelings and his needs, and only then conduct further dialogue. Distracting a child's attention by talking his teeth away means ignoring his needs and his feelings. If the attention of a one-year-old child is quite easy to switch and distract from his own emotions, then at the age of three and a half years the child already concentrates his attention quite well. And the more you distract him from his experiences, the more you ignore his need. This is why anger arises. Imagine that you are talking with a person about what is important to you, and he talks to you and tries to lead you away from the topic. How will you feel? Most likely, irritation, at least. The child feels the same, only he does not yet know how to manage his emotions and the situation as well as you. And it depends entirely on you.
Teach your child how to behave effectively when frustrated
The state caused by the discrepancy between what is desired and what is available is called frustration. In a state of frustration, a person often experiences anger and strives to eliminate the cause of the obstacle to what he wants. For a child, a parent is both an opportunity and an obstacle to getting what they want. It is important to react correctly to the collapse of his hopes and expectations.
1. Communicate calmly and confidently. Show your child how much you love him. This is best shown by your affectionate and strong hugs. Hugging your child will reduce their anxiety and build a bond with them. Tactile contact, gentle touches and a soothing voice always reduce anxiety. Both in children and adults. It is important to take this step at the very beginning, when the situation has just arisen.
2. Look into the child’s eyes, but not from top to bottom, but equally. Place him on your lap, sit next to him, or kneel in front of him so he doesn't feel pressured. The feeling of dominance includes defensive reactions. The child will defend himself.
3. Communicate with your child respectfully. Adapt to his intonation, so he will better perceive what you say. Show that you see, understand and respect his feelings: “I see that you are upset because you now have to go to kindergarten. You don't want to do this. I understand you". You show respect for your child's feelings and teach them to express emotions using words when you name them.
4. If this does not reassure the child, explain to him the need for these actions, as an adult, but in words that a three-year-old child can understand: “You will be in kindergarten while I am at work. And in the evening we will go for a walk together.”
5. Repeat the first step.
6. If the child is still angry and directs anger towards you, tell him how you feel about his behavior using “I statements”: “It hurts me and makes me angry when someone hits me (bites me, throws toys at me). ...)”, “I am very unhappy when they beat me.” Speak on your own behalf, using the pronouns “h”, “me”, “me”. Speaking about her: “You offended me”, “You are a bad girl - you hit your mother”, “You should not hit your mother, this is bad”, you criticize the child, thereby stimulating his defensive reactions in the form of screaming, biting, pinching, throwing and so on.
7. If a child is systematically dissatisfied with the fact that he has to go to kindergarten, figure out what the reason is. Perhaps he is offended there, or he is very tired from studying. A child’s aggression is a sign that he is uncomfortable and ill for some reason.
8. You cannot punish a child in such a situation!! This way you will teach him to ignore himself and his needs. This will lead to serious behavioral consequences and difficulties in the child's life in the future.
Not a single repetition will be needed. Until a child learns to express emotions through words and accept the collapse of plans and hopes, it is important for him to help him with this through such behavior. I must say that these same rules work well with adults.
For 10 years I treated my daughter purely formally, often offending her, sometimes very strongly. In moments of “education”, I could not stop myself, the flow of negativity and hatred became uncontrollable, hurtful words spewed out of me, and in moments of calm, I was amazed at how it was possible to be so heartless and cold-blooded towards my to my own child!
“I don’t love my eldest daughter” - I lived with this feeling as soon as my second child appeared. The eldest was 5 when this feeling arose. Of course, like any “good” mother, I suppressed this thought in myself in every possible way. What did I do instead? I bought her toys, branded clothes, and sent her on vacation with her grandmother. I extinguished the feeling of guilt with gifts and money.
This continued until she was 15 years old, and I still couldn’t find the answers to why this was happening to me?
For 10 years I treated my daughter purely formally, often offending her, sometimes very strongly. In moments of “education”, I could not stop myself, the flow of negativity and hatred became uncontrollable, hurtful words spewed out of me, and in moments of calm, I was amazed at how one could be so heartless and cold-blooded towards one’s own child!
I was moving away from my daughter, and she was reaching out to me, wanting to receive affection and love. According to the law of the sandwich, my daughter is kinesthetic, and physical touch is as important to her as air. Everything about her irritated me, I found fault with her over every little thing. But then I began to notice that I especially “don’t like” her in the presence of her husband.
So I suffered for 10 years. 10 years of tyranny and moral abuse of oneself, husband and child.
I was ashamed to go to a psychologist or confess to my friends. Throughout my life, I have always played the role of a successful businesswoman, a happy wife. Add doubt to your story successful woman It was unacceptable for me; my inner loser was inflamed.
As a result, my daughter grew up as a VICTIM. I constantly compared myself with other children and peers. No one liked her in class, and it was difficult for her to make friends. We changed 5 schools, thinking that in new school she will be accepted and loved...
It was even more painful when my husband and mother asked me to be softer and more patient with the child, not to show my feelings so clearly. strong love to another child. And it was simply unbearable when friends and teachers said that from the outside it was clear that I was biased and very strict towards the eldest, especially in comparison with other children. If only they knew what was going on in my soul!!! Yes, I myself didn’t know what the hell was possessing me and forcing me to do all these tricks.
And time passed, we survived " awkward age”, when with my fierce attitude I forbade her to show me any manifestations of the “transition period”. I simply forbade my daughter’s transition period, explaining that it was a sign of weakness and inability to control her emotions. After all, oh, how well I “managed” my own!
© Magdalena Bernie
The time came when guys began to appear, and then I grabbed my head because I realized that I couldn’t do anything for my child to help her comfortably enter a new stage of her life - building relationships with the opposite sex. Fears began to overcome her: the fear that she would stick to the first person she met in order to receive affection and love. Fear that she will be used and over time she will turn into someone else. Fear that he won’t be able to start a family….
There were many fears, and even more questions. I began to prepare myself for a visit to a psychologist, or maybe better, to a psychotherapist, because I understood that the problem, apparently, was still with me.
But what will I tell him? I don't love my daughter? By that time, I already had three of them. My head was in complete chaos and I hated myself more and more every day. Feelings of guilt and self-resentment overwhelmed me, I cried for hours alone, blaming myself for all my sins, wondering how God could even give me children, and even three, if I couldn’t cope with the role of a good mother??
One thing calmed me down, the phrase I heard “all the answers are inside you.” I was in a hurry to find the answer because I had this belief inside that if I found the answers before her 16th birthday, I could fix the situation! And the answer came. It came in the form of an application tool that helped me find all the answers WHY DIDN’T I LOVE HER? WHY DIDN'T I TAKE IT?
There is a wonderful Axiom: “Everything that happens in my reality is the result of my subconscious desires.” This axiom helped me identify all my subconscious desires and transform them. It took me a year to complete all the transformation work. A year of pleasant discoveries in myself and in my eldest daughter. The work continues, for too long I did not notice what a wonderful daughter I have: my firstborn, my joy in life, my beauty!
Over the years of unconscious life, I greatly damaged her individuality, one might say, I erased it to nothing. In a couple of months, together we restored her individuality, she and I learned to love ourselves just like that, we worked large number unaccepted qualities, worked through fears and grievances...
Our life has changed, it will never be the same. We are enjoying our new relationship, which is becoming more ideal every day.
The main reason WHY I DIDN'T LOVE HER was my resentment towards my husband. This was the only way I could take revenge on him for the insults he had caused me, through my daughter, who was his copy. As soon as I worked through the first grudge against him, for the first time I had a strong desire to hug my daughter, kiss her and just sit with her in silence. I have deprived myself of this happiness for so long...
Be happy, dear mothers! I sincerely wish you to find your answers within yourself using my tool https://master-kit.info/kaz
When a child is born, any mother cannot imagine for a second the situation that they will ever conflict with this little man, with her own blood. It is especially important for a mother to maintain good friendly and trusting relationships with her daughter, because she is not just her mother’s baby, regardless of her daughter’s age, she is her little copy. But life is unpredictable, and sometimes it creates situations that you may be afraid of or avoid at all costs. One of these situations is the emergence of grievances and worries.
How to get rid of resentment towards your daughter?
Reasons for resentment towards your daughter
The most difficult situation is when the mother’s touchiness is out of the question, but this unpleasant feeling has arisen. At the same time, the mother constantly wonders why her daughter offends her? There can be many reasons for resentment against a daughter, depending on the situations and relationship between mother and daughter. The main reasons for resentment towards a daughter can be divided into three large groups:
Having understood the reason for her worries, the mother must decide how to get rid of the resentment towards her daughter. Of course, if the cause of the offense is a misunderstanding, this issue can be easily resolved - just have a heart-to-heart talk, sort out the current situation and laugh together. But when the reason is deeper, it is best to start solving the problem with yourself.
But why is the relationship between the two closest people sometimes so difficult?
The statistics are inexorable: 99% of daughters do not share their secrets with their mother. This is shocking and upsetting at the same time. Who could be closer than our own mother, who gave us life? Why are we often peremptory in our judgments and grievances? And sometimes it’s not easy to dial a phone number to ask, “How are you, mom?”
Reasons for loss of trust
Most mothers really don't understand why their daughters are offended by them. After all, they sincerely wish their continued happiness and make every effort so that it does not pass by. But the latter is often not what children need. From the height of our experience, we give advice, imposing our tastes, views and preferences. This is precisely what breaks the fragile thread of high spiritual intimacy between two women - the older and the younger. Remember, the reason for the majority is “she doesn’t understand me!”
“My daughter is selfish. So that she would not need anything, I put my health, time and energy on the altar. I didn’t even bother getting married a second time. And she insists that she didn’t ask for all this. Ungrateful!”
“I had a daughter, and my mother constantly terrorizes me with her advice. Many of them have already lost their relevance, because we were brought up in Soviet era. Medicine has come a long way, and now everything is different. I'm tired of explaining to her that breastfeeding should be on demand, and diapers are not evil. Mom doesn’t want to admit that I’m an adult woman and I can make decisions for my child.”
“My mother was expecting a son, and I was born. In the heat of every quarrel, she reminds me of this and says that she doesn’t need me. I would have left home a long time ago, but I had nowhere to go. I’m trying to talk to my mom, but she doesn’t hear me.”
Each of these cases is unique. The classic rightly said: “Everything happy families everyone is equally happy unhappy family unhappy in her own way." Each of us has our own Golgotha, the ascent of which hurts painfully. It is unlikely that any of the mothers or daughters will feel better because someone’s relationship is even worse. After all, what closer friend people, the more acutely they experience omissions and quarrels.
Looking for the culprit
The most important thing for us in life is a feeling of security. Therefore, the mothers’ claims seem somewhat ridiculous in comparison with the confessions of their daughters. Each of us, building a relationship with a man, wants to be loved and desired. Why don’t we reserve this right for daughters in their own families? Remember how many times you explicitly or covertly demanded gratitude and submission from them! But you can’t do this, it’s short-sighted and cruel.
What’s also depressing is that we all, to some extent, bear the stamp of “dislike.” This began in the Soviet maternity hospital. When the baby was born, he was separated from his mother, as they do now. The first meeting of the child and mother could take place only after 12 hours. Surprisingly, our subconscious mind remembers this; the trauma we experienced often manifests itself in adulthood. None of us are immune from outbursts of subconscious resentment towards our mother. If you don’t understand why you are offended by your mother, this is most likely the reason.
Another reason for the difficult relationship between mother and daughter is “hidden” in the child’s psyche. Little children take everything literally. Even a rude word spoken once can be forever etched in your memory and hurt for the rest of your life. That’s why phrases like “Go away, I’m tired of you!” in the child’s head are transformed into a statement of fact: “Mom doesn’t love me, she doesn’t need me.” Remember, you are responsible for every word you say to your child. As soon as your daughter feels old enough, she will present you with an account of her grievances.
The conflict is growing. What to do?
The harmonious development of a child is built according to its own laws. If there are failures in the personality development program, the little girl runs the risk of growing up lacking self-confidence and... To prevent this from happening, you must recognize your child's right to express negative emotions.
Alas, many mothers are constantly fighting with their children for the prerogative of “being out of sorts.” We allow ourselves to take out our anger and resentment on our children. It doesn’t matter what the prerequisite for this is - problems at work, an unsettled personal life or burnt pancakes, we do it. At the same time, the child is prohibited from reacting negatively to the mother’s raised tone and expressing his emotions. But this is unfair, you must agree! As soon as you understand this, mutual reproaches, hysterics and scandals will stop. Believe me, you can reverse even a breakup!
The Path to Reconciliation
Why put up with it if it doesn't hurt anymore? Adult girls often ask psychologists this question. You can understand them - you don’t want to relive past grievances again. But it is necessary. First of all, to get well. We are responsible for the future of our children. With the heavy burden of the Cold War, it is difficult to become with a loved one happy wife and mother. Unexpressed grievances interfere with a full life, they hurt and one day they will certainly “shoot”.
How to take the path of reconciliation? It’s very simple, you need to sincerely want it. You shouldn’t hope that this will work out right away, but it’s important to go for it - the one who walks will master the road!
Deciding to talk to my mother, adult daughter must follow safety rules. You can talk about your feelings, experiences, grievances, but not about the fact that your mother is bad. You need to talk about yourself, it’s better to first remove the intensity of your experiences by practicing with a friend or psychologist. The conversation should not be too long; half an hour of “execution” is quite enough.
What should mom do? The older woman, as a wise woman, must endure the insult, be able to admit her mistakes and accept that she does not have the right to counterclaim against her daughter.
Will the relationship get better after the conversation? Of course, having freed her heart from pain and bitterness, the adult daughter herself will justify her mother. And then a bright living fire of love, mutual understanding, care, warmth, tenderness and affection will flare up between them.
Love each other and be happy!
