Is it worth communicating with your ex-husband? Ex-husband. Psychological assistance during separation. Divorce is a reason to start over
Says a family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships, director of the dating agency “Me and You” Elena Kuznetsova.
If there is a “connecting link”
The friendship that former couples maintain is natural only if these people are connected by something after a breakup, for example, a child or a common business, says the psychologist.
Most often, women who are jealous of their exes, and out of emotion, ladies often put forward harsh ultimatums to their partners. This is not always correct, because assertive actions can only achieve results from weak men who are accustomed to submitting. A normal man will be unhappy with your demands.
Kuznetsova agrees that sometimes there really is: if a couple was once connected by strong feelings, then it is likely that they have not completely faded away. And looking at the child, the man still thinks about ex-wife. It’s another matter if his lady is already in a new relationship, or there has never been much love in the family - there is no reason to worry.
When “fighting” with your rival, do not limit the man harshly, since he still cannot stop seeing the child or leave the relationship with him. ex-wife business. Act gently: you can cry, be sad, even talk about your fears. You can, again in a gentle form, offer an alternative. For example, do not go to your ex to communicate with the child in her house, but take the baby to your place for the weekend.
The new woman should be fully armed and if the man is still not indifferent to her. You should carefully find out from your chosen one what he liked in past relationships and what he lacked. After this, try to give your partner everything he needs: care, attention, sex, etc.
When nothing connects
If there is no “connecting link”, but the man still often communicates with his ex, or even former passions, saying that he remained in touch with everyone after the breakup good relations, this is a cause for concern.
“You can’t even name such a man. This is a man-woman, he is everyone’s best friend. Or he is a womanizer, and for him you are just another passing option. With a high degree of probability, we can say that such a man does not just see his exes, but meets them for sex,” notes Kuznetsova.
If a man does not communicate in a friendly manner with all his exes, but only with one woman, this relationship is still unnatural.
“If nothing connects people, what is the point of maintaining a relationship? Ask for advice, talk about your personal life? How then can you look your current passion in the eyes?” - continues the psychologist.
Kuznetsova explains that there is no such thing as pure, it is always based on something, either on feelings that have not yet cooled down, or on some kind of benefit, which does not necessarily mean something material. For example, a man likes to communicate with his ex because she has a calming effect on him. But then another question arises: why does your partner seek solace not from you, but from his previous passion?
The psychologist’s verdict is this: communication with exes when there is no “connecting link” between them is abnormal. And we need to fight this.
To start new girl you need to find out for what purpose her man is dating her ex. Carefully, without unnecessary emotions, several times, “approaching” from different directions, ask the same question. There should be some time between questions. If a man always gives the same answer, then his current lady needs to think about why she can’t give her chosen one what her ex gives him. We need to try to correct the situation.
If the answers are different, then the man is probably deceiving you. And, most likely, his meetings with his ex.
You can also call a man to straight Talk and explain to him that you are unpleasant about his communication with his ex. It is possible that your chosen one did not even naively suspect this and for your sake will break with his past.
Internet doesn't count?
Often communication with exes takes place on the Internet. Often men on voiced new woman complaints about this, they ask not to make mountains out of molehills, because “it’s just the Internet.”
There is a very fine line here, and situations can be different, notes Elena Kuznetsova. She is sure that if a man loves his woman, he will not hurt her. Or if he sees that the current woman is jealous, he will try to explain the situation. It will show correspondence, from which it is clear that they communicate with their ex extremely rarely, they simply congratulate each other on the holiday, for example.
Another thing is that the man denies everything, and in the evenings he disappears on the Internet, and his communication with his ex is very close. And even though we are talking not about real, but about virtual relationships, emotionally he is still with the other. He can be with a real woman, for example, for the sake of bed or “saucepans”.
“It sounds funny, but in this situation real woman finds himself in an even less advantageous situation than the virtual one, with which the man lives internally and shares his impressions. If a man behaves like this, it means he is bored with his new woman. He does not receive what he receives from the previous chosen one,” states the psychologist.
A new girl needs to think more about her man in order to first displace and then replace her virtual friend, because interesting communication is rare. Just do not use assertive tactics under any circumstances if we are talking about a normal man and not. Rigidity can simply lead to a breakup, because your chosen one has already preferred another woman in terms of communication. And if a woman, less interesting in this regard, sets her own conditions, the man gets angry and says: “Don’t be hysterical, don’t invent something that doesn’t exist” - that is, he is already putting up blockers. If a woman continues to fight against a blocked door, she faces even more aggression.
If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected].
Perhaps the most common reason after divorce. True, by solving it at the very beginning of your relationship after marriage, you can easily save yourself from additional worries. Most importantly, it's official. Yes, many couples make do with a verbal agreement, but situations are different. Having recorded everything officially, you, Firstly, protect yourself legally, sleep well and know the exact date when you will be paid.
Secondly, you save yourself from additional communication with your ex, unpleasant conversations in the case when the payment of alimony is delayed for unknown reasons. Believe me, you do not want to sort things out with a person with whom you have already done this before and broke up.
Third, no matter how cruel it may sound, you absolutely do not need frequent contact with your ex. Simply because this person is already a passed stage in your life and I strongly recommend spending your energy on rather than on sorting things out over unpaid alimony!
COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR CHILD
Of course, in addition to alimony, there is another very important component of your relationship after marriage - common children. Do not under any circumstances forbid your ex-husband to communicate with children, do not blackmail your ex with children in your own interests! First, do not forget that by a court decision, children can remain under the guardianship of their father. Secondly, purely humanly, your ex-husband has every right to see his child at least on weekends. Third, and most importantly, your child needs a father!
The fact that you got divorced already has a bad effect on his psyche, and possibly on future life. Don't make it even more difficult!
Do not limit the child's communication with his father. Moreover, you may not take any part in this at all. Of course, if your child is still a toddler, you will one way or another need to be present at the time of the meeting between father and child, and agree on a meeting time and place. But once your child has reached school age, he can take on this work on his own!
BUSINESS
If you were not only family, but also business partners, then communication after a divorce cannot be avoided. Here it is very difficult to give an unambiguous assessment of what to do. I know many examples of couples who, after a divorce, were able to maintain a common business, while these people successfully started a family for the second time and did not spoil each other’s lives in any way. But at the same time, I know many examples when spouses experienced great discomfort because they had to work together and sooner or later someone left.
Regardless of whether you and your husband are divorced or arrive in the most... Your personal ones should not add up at work. Either you follow this rule, or you break up!
IMPOSITION OF RELATIONSHIPS
The most unpleasant situation that can happen both to former partners who are no longer connected by anything, and to those who are connected by children, alimony and business. What to do if, after a divorce, your ex-husband pesters you with calls? Or maybe your ex-mother-in-law also likes to call you and spend several hours with you, telling you “Top 5 reasons why you should”? What to do in such cases?
If you are honest with yourself and really see absolutely no future with your ex-husband, except for business meetings or at your child’s birthday, then, firstly, let him know that you are not interested in communication. Be serious! Say, very seriously, that your relationship will now be limited only to issues related to business or regarding your child.
If your ex-husband is trying to become your friend, think about whether you need the man with whom you once had a relationship? You don't have many friends and you really need another one?
As for your ex-mother-in-law, do not try to reprimand her through your ex-husband. This will only anger this woman, and her intrusive calls may become even more frequent. If you don't like your mother-in-law's attention, tell her directly.
YOU HAVE A MAN
And finally, a question that many clients ask me. How to introduce your new partner to your ex-husband if you communicate with him because of a child or for business? First of all, don’t apologize under any circumstances, and don’t even think about it! You are building a relationship after you have divorced, you are a free person, you are a woman and you cannot be alone just because you have already been married once! Secondly, your ex-husband will also find a woman sooner or later, and it’s not your fault that you managed to find your soul mate much faster!
Whether to continue communicating with her ex-husband or completely erase him from her life is a question every woman must decide on her own. First of all, it depends on how this person makes her feel. They are very subjective, sometimes difficult to explain to others, and is it necessary? In the end, family matters are up to the husband and wife to decide, even if they separate.
And yet it is possible to trace several typical situations, in which it is worth continuing communication with the ex-spouse or, on the contrary, not doing this under any circumstances.
When to continue communication
The first and most good reason I continue to communicate with my ex-husband and have children together. Both parents are valuable to a child; he needs both dad and mom. And parents must raise him and be responsible for his life, health and development equally, regardless of whether they live together or separately.
Even if after a divorce it seems to the spouses that they have become complete strangers, they will have to jointly resolve issues related to the upbringing, education, and financial support of the child. And if they learn to do this calmly, in a business-like manner, without quarrels and scandals, both they and, most importantly, their children will benefit.
It also happens that people break up, but continue to be friends. Yes, the family didn’t work out, and there could be any number of reasons for this. But the attitude of the ex-husband and wife towards each other remains generally positive. Why not then continue communication, no longer as spouses, but as friends or good acquaintances? After all, the years lived together brought two people closer together, why break this connection completely?
When to stop communicating
And yet, often, when divorced, spouses no longer want to have anything in common with each other. This most often happens in the following three situations.
If a man left his family, and a woman continues to love him and suffers from this, then it is probably better not to torture herself and stop communicating, at least for a while. You shouldn’t open a fresh wound and live with memories and regrets. The fewer reasons a woman has in her new life to remember the tragedy she experienced, the easier it will be for her to regain her strength and move on.
If resentment or anger at your ex-husband is strong, communication should also be kept to a minimum, at least for the period until passions subside. Perhaps, having calmed down, the spouses will be able to more constructively resolve property, financial and other issues related to divorce. Even if there is a trial ahead, it is better if it takes place in a calm business atmosphere.
And the most main reason end any relationship with your ex-husband - if he has done something that in the woman’s mind is incompatible with the image of a person. And even though others believe that this act can be forgiven, the spouse’s behavior can be justified. If a woman cannot do this internally, further communication with her ex-husband becomes impossible and even dangerous for her. It can disturb her peace of mind, and in some cases can actually pose a threat to the life and well-being of her and her children.
Unfortunately, marriages do not always work out well. You simply can’t wrap your head around the idea that the person who was closest to you for some time will one day become a complete stranger.
He leaves your home, but at the same time, he does not leave your life: you still think about him out of habit, accidentally meet him in the city, maybe even talk on the phone. Well, if you have children together, then communication, at least minimal, simply cannot be avoided.
However, the question of whether to continue the relationship with your ex-husband or end it completely after a divorce always arises: you doubt it - and that’s normal!
You hear a lot of useful and very contradictory advice: “Don’t communicate with this scoundrel” or “Communicate - everything can still go back to normal.” How not to get confused, especially if the advice is given by people who are very authoritative for you: parents, girlfriends.
Of course, you must decide everything yourself, and your loved ones must support you in this decision.
Communicating to your detriment
You should not communicate with your ex-husband if you are very upset after meetings. Communication reminds you of your past “happiness” and aggravates your current “loneliness”.
It will also be useful to stop meeting if your ex-spouse speaks to you disrespectfully and allows himself to be rude. Previously, it was still possible to understand your patience - you wanted to save your family with all your might.
Now we need to let him know that you are not his “property”: he no longer has any rights to you! You are as alien to him as thousands of other women - and he deserves it.
Perhaps, at least for some time, it is necessary to stop meetings and conversations for those couples in whose family affairs the “third” or “third” intervened. Nothing clarifies the true attitude towards a person more than separation.
"Continuation of the banquet"
However, if you yourself feel that, despite the divorce, despite all the not very pleasant moments in your relationship, you need this person, then you should not go against your heart.
There is no point in “cutting off” your past for those who have developed a completely respectful and trusting relationship with their ex-husband. Perhaps love, passion, tenderness have passed, but friendship remains - one of the components of any marriage. It happens that both husband and wife start new families, but they are still interested in each other’s lives, and whenever possible help in word or deed.
Divorce is a reason to start over
Divorce is just a documented solution to the issue, but sometimes it is what helps spouses get out of the “deadlock” in their relationship. Neither of them really wants to part - they just needed some kind of release: too much has accumulated. The set “point” becomes the beginning of a new stage in their family life.
Therefore, if you feel that you want to keep your ex-spouse at your place longer, but he doesn’t want to leave your house for the night (he came to pick up some things, find out about the children’s studies, or found some other good reason for in order to find yourself under the same roof with you in the evening), then why at this moment do you need to remember the advice of your friends that this cannot be forgiven?
Relax, allow yourself at this moment not to think about anything: neither about the past, nor about the future. You are close again, and nothing else matters!
Children's surprise
If you have children, then the question is: “Is it worth continuing the relationship with your ex-husband after a divorce?” - extra for you. You will have to maintain contact with their father in any case, unless, of course, he turns out to be the kind of parent who, having received “freedom”, completely forgets that he has obligations.
You can go to great lengths for the sake of your children, and even pretend that, although you are divorced, you still value and respect their father - let your relationship not affect their fragile children's world.
Give yourself a certain attitude before meetings:
1. Be calm.
2. Don't remember the past.
3. Don't ask for explanations.
4. Speak respectfully and stick to neutral topics.
5. Look at your ex-husband as a new man in your life - with interest.
This is very difficult, but it gives effective results: he will either respect you like never before, or even fall in love again!
Decide: what do you want? If you are really so tired of your ex-husband that you have long dreamed of living with him in different parts of the world, then no one has the right to persuade you to “love” him again.
But, perhaps, deep down in your soul there is a smoldering flame of hope. Then communicate and do not forget about one piece of advice - look at your ex-husband the way you looked at him at the time when you were his bride.
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